Our Story

It may be easier to read my story on our blog: http://babyhtaketwo.blogspot.com. This is going to be long! J

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I've known since before I can remember that I wanted to be a mother. My sister was born when I was three, and my mom had to physically stop me from trying to take over mom duty.  My husband wasn't initially as sold on the idea of children (in fact, we may have almost broken up over this when we first started dating!).  However, I patiently...sometimes not so patiently...waited for him, and when he said we could start trying in the fall of 2009 I couldn’t wait. It didn't take long, and we found out we were pregnant in December 2009 and due in September. I was beyond thrilled, and so excited for this big life change that was about to occur.

However, I couldn't have possibly expected the WAY it would change.

I had an eventful pregnancy with odd pains and unexplained bleeding, but was continually told it was normal (that's a WHOLE 'nother story).  At 18 weeks, my water broke. We were told there was a 1-2% chance of happy outcome and were encouraged to end the pregnancy. We decided we would give the baby every chance of survival and tried to stick it out. My husband and family were amazing support systems during this time, and I spent several days in the hospital before I was discharged to go home on bedrest.  Unfortunately, despite our most valiant efforts, I went into labor a week later and delivered a tiny, perfect baby boy on April 12, 2010. He was born alive, at just 9.5 inches long and weighed just 9.5 ounces. We named him Caleb Anthony. My amazing, strong mother and husband were with me through the night, and we were able to spend about twenty minutes with him before he passed away.  One of my favorite memories is of my mom rocking him and whispering to him while the doctors cleaned me up. 

Losing Caleb was absolutely devastating. I could not fathom how this could have happened to us.  During follow-up appointments, I was told continually that it was a fluke and there was no reason for what happened. I couldn't accept that - I NEEDED something to blame. I spent vast amounts of time on loss support boards online, doing internet research, and asking for second opinions. I asked for multiple tests to be done. Finally, thanks to a fellow loss mother, I was able to connect with a doctor in Chicago who suspected I had incompetent cervix (IC). The journey to that diagnosis was not smooth, as I received multiple opinions from multiple doctors. No two had the same thoughts on my case. In the end, we decided to go with our gut and accept the IC diagnosis. However, even with that diagnosis in place, the course of treatment vastly differed from doctor to doctor - from doing nothing through a “wait and see” approach to having controversial, somewhat major surgery to correct it permanently.  After much agonizing, we decided to go all out and go for the surgery. Many likened that decision to starting chemo for a single abnormal pap smear. Very few doctors perform the surgery without multiple losses or failed vaginal cerclages, but I found a doctor who did, and it was the only option I felt comfortable in pursuing.

In September - just weeks after Caleb should have been due - I had the surgery and a permanent transabdominal cerclage was placed. Though it meant any future babies would have to be delivered via c-section, I was so excited about the surgery. My husband wasn't as sure about it, but supported me in the end.

Shockingly, amazingly, and wonderfully, we found ourselves pregnant again in November.  We are currently due with that baby, a girl, on July 11. The feeling of being pregnant again after a devastating 2nd trimester loss is completely indescribable.  The fear of losing this baby has yet to go away, even as I feel her kicking in my belly and even as my transabdominal cerclage holds strong.  However, at the same time, this baby girl has brought me complete joy when I truly wasn't sure I'd ever be fully happy again.  The loss community calls babies born after a loss "rainbow babies", and she has fulfilled that title in every way - as cheesy as it sounds, she's been our light after the storm.  I took so much of my pregnancy with Caleb for granted, and I've learned to embrace every kick, stretch mark, heartburn, and moment of pain, as they remind me that I'm still pregnant.  I cherish every moment I have with her.  However, the legacy of my loss has indelibly marked me - I can't take tags off of anything that I buy. I have receipts for everything purchased. Not an item of clothing has been washed.   I still say "if" instead of "when".   But I already love her more than life itself and force myself to believe that she'll be coming home with us alive and healthy this summer.

Because of the transabdominal cerclage, I'll have to have a c-section to deliver her. This is the complete opposite of my birth plan with Caleb, which was a natural birth with midwives.  However, it's a small price to pay for a living baby.

I can't wait to meet her.  Well – that’s a lie. I can wait until July 11. J