A Bump Manifesto

I hear and see it over and over again:

"I'm huge! I feel enormous."

"I'm barely showing; is something wrong?"

"I love your bump, I wish mine looked like that."

"My bump is shaped so weird."

Here's the deal: As long as you're eating relatively healthy, your bump is fine. Your bump is normal. Your bump is perfect.*

Love your bump. Embrace your bump.

Those who show early wish they were smaller. Those who have flat stomachs well into their second trimester long for a cute little bump to show off. Most of us are just average, but because of the rampant comparisons, feel like we're too big or too little.

We all have different bodies, different uteruses (uterii?), different amounts of amniotic fluid, different stomach muscles, different babies, different genetics, different starting points. The way these factors are coming together during your pregnancy are what determine your bump shape and size, along with your current diet and, to some extent, your level of activity. Here's the thing: as long as you're putting forth some effort to eat healthy and putting forth even a minor effort to be active, there's nothing you can do about the other components. Your bump is your bump. It's not anyone else's bump. You should not compare it to the girl next door who is a foot taller or shorter than you and who weighs 50 pounds more or less than you do.  Her bump is hers alone. She probably wishes it were bigger/smaller/rounder/higher/lower, too. So stop comparing it to hers!

Some of us are Kate Middleton, athletic and slim throughout our pregnancy. Some of us are Kim Kardashian, curvy and voluptuous. Most of us are somewhere in the middle.

A few of us will gain all over, and you'll know that we're pregnant just by glimpsing an ankle alone. Our cheeks will expand right along with our bellies. Some of us will gain just in the belly, and truly look like we're smuggling a basketball in our shirt. Some of us will hardly show through the entire pregnancy, and people will be unsure whether they are pregnant even as they are walking into the delivery room ready to give birth.   Some will grow straight out and be able to balance a cup of water on their abdomen. Some will grow up and down and be sticking out from boobs to crotch.  Some will grow wide, and you'll be able to see their bump from behind. Some will have pointy bellies, some round bellies, some square bellies. Some won't show at all from the back. Some won't show at all from the front. Some will show from all angles.  Some will carry so high you wonder how they can breath; some will carry so low you wonder how the kid hasn't fallen out yet.

Some of us will gain the majority of weight in the first trimester, when scarfing down carbs and crackers are the only things that keep us from puking into our breakfast. Some of us won't gain a pound until close to the third trimester.

A few women will start showing the day before the pregnancy test turns positive. A few women will still have flat stomachs halfway or even two-thirds of the way through their nine months. Some will have strangers asking if they're due any day - at 4 months pregnant. A few people will go through their through pregnancy never having stepped foot in the maternity section of the store or having to even employ the hair tie trick.

Heck, Google "Pregnant Celebrities," where the images in this post came from, and look at the variety of baby bump and body shapes during pregnancies - and these are people who are in peak physical condition with trainers and nutritionists caring for them their entire pregnancy.

The bottom line is that you are not anyone else. You are not your mom, your best friend, or that internet stranger. Don't be jealous of her bump. Don't worry abut whether your bump is normal or whether it should be bigger or smaller or rounder or flatter. Appreciate your bump - it's growing your baby, and that is the ONLY thing that matters. Anything else is just superficial noise.

*Note: there are ALWAYS exceptions. Someone might be huge because they have a giant tumor growing in their abdomen; some might be tiny because they have low amniotic fluid levels. I'm not talking medical situations here. Those are unusual, unlikely, and rare scenarios. This manifesto is for the other 99% of pregnancies. 

Words Not Needed

Except actually maybe they are needed since that's kind of hard to read. It says:

ONLY CHILD

expiring December 2013

And yes, that means what you think it means (and if you're an avid blog reader who subscribed to posts, you knew this weeks ago when I accidentally published a post instead of saving it as a draft).  We're having baby number two sometime around December 17, 2013!  As of today, I'm 12.5 weeks and everything looks wonderful - we had a great NT scan on Wednesday that showed a healthy, perfect baby.  Fingers crossed all continues to go well and Carys can put these nurturing big sister skills she's been practicing on her dolls to work!

I have a few draft posts that I'm publishing retroactively, so if you want to read more about this pregnancy, click on the "family of four" label. 

Baby Squish : 12 Weeks

Today, I had my NT scan, which Squish passed with flying colors. NT measurement was 1.3, nasal bones were present and accounted for, brain was present and in the right place, stomach was there - and the kid was bouncing off the (uterine) walls. (I feel like I used that same joke with Carys at some point...) (I need new material.)

They also gave us a tentative sex guess. Already, I know, right!??! Are you ready?

Baby Squish is (probably) a.....

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.......Ha, yeah right. Not sharing that news yet. But I do know with 80% certainty. And I'm very excited. Although either way, I'd be thrilled, honestly. I absolutely adore my sister, and would love for Carys to have that bond, too. A brother and a sister are awesome (I have one! He's great!) but there's something special that sisters share that I don't think any other sibling set can match. However, I also would love a boy, because I eventually would love at least one of each, so it'd be wonderful to get that out of the way in case something prevents us from having a third.

I will say that I have always felt like I was going to have two girls and then a boy. On the other hand, I've been feeling boy with this one, because I had virtually NO first trimester symptoms (never puked, etc.) and the heart rate seems to be slower than what Carys had at around the same gestation.

So which wins?  Dreams? Old wive's tales? It will be interesting to see (and I'm exceedingly curious to see if the doctor was right, since I tend to talk shit about early sex guesses regularly). Although he has a 50/50 chance of being right no matter what, so it won't be THAT impressive if he's correct.

Next appointment isn't for a VERY LONG four weeks.  However, I can hear the heartbeat on the doppler now so hopefully that will tide me over for a bit.

Baby Squish : Going Public, Part 2

I was excited to share the news with my mother-in-law - she's quite excitable (in a good way) and I knew she'd be over the moon. Historically, we've had a ton of fun with announcements and Chris's side of the family (with Caleb, we had it written on a cake; with Carys, on wine bottle disguised as a Christmas present), so I wanted this one to be a fun too - but more importantly, I wanted to surprise her, since I know she's been watching for signs for the last year and was expecting it at any moment.

I ran through several ideas with my sister-in-law (who had found out accidentally when I published a blog post instead of saving it as a draft - ironically the EXACT same way my sister found out with Carys!) and decided to do it during a game night at my mother-in-law's house.

One of the games we occasionally play is Clue, and while brainstorming I thought about how fun it'd be to have the announcement  in the Clue envelope that contains the answers, and as soon as that thought crossed my mind I knew I had it. Since Margi was the only one who didn't know (since my SIL spilled the beans to her boyfriend), we could throw the game to ensure that she was the one to guess the "whodunit" first and open the solution envelope.

I designed a two-sided card to match the existing Clue cards that read "Baby 2 12.17.13," and cut it to size to match the actual cards.

For reference, here are the original cards (I couldn't get an exact match on the font or embelleshment, but I got as close as I could...and I'm embarrassed to say how long I spent looking for the closest font and swirl):

Once we arrived, I slipped it in the envelope with the other solution cards. We then played the game as normal (well, as normal as it gets for this family, since we've developed our own set of rules to speed up the game - for instance, we don't use dice).  I "accidentally" showed Margi the wrong card at one point to give her an extra edge, but I didn't have to: I was so nervous and excited during the game I could NOT concentrate, so I honestly did not have to throw the game. I had no idea what was going on.

When it came time for her to guess, she pulled out the envelope and read through the answers:

"Pistol."

"Mrs. Peacock."

"Baby 2. What? I wonder where that card came from." [sets aside]

"Ballroom. Yes! I win!" [celebrates]

She then started putting the cards away and pulled out the 'Baby 2' card again. "Did this come from another game? What is this?"

Us, acting clueless: "What does it say?"

Her: "Baby 2...and something...12.17.13? What is this from?" [all of the sudden she gets it and SCREAMS] "Oh my god oh my god oh my god YOU GUYS!" [more high-pitched screaming]  She actually had been holding Carys and completely terrified her to the point where she (Carys) started sobbing and ran to me, which was made worse by the fact that we all were laughing at her.

So mission accomplished - it was fun and she was surprised.  If we ever get pregnant again after this, announcement number four is going to have to involve a skywriter or some crazy shit to top these.

And no, I have NO pictures from this night. I totally failed.

Baby Squish : Going Public, Part 1

We were originally going to wait until Father's Day to tell everyone after the NT scan, but the bloat/belly (yes, I think some of it is real baby belly now!) is multiplying rapidly and it's at that awkward point where it just looks like I put on a lot of weight...and apparently I'd rather tell people earlier than expected than have people think I'm getting fat. Which is pretty fucked up, SOCIETY. Look what you've done to me! (Plus, after 12 weeks, I'd likely need surgery if I lost the baby because of the cerclage, so it'd be a pretty big deal and family would know about it quickly.)

We started the announcements over Memorial Day weekend.  My aunt was having a get together with all of the family, so I dressed Carys in a tee-shirt that read "Only Child: Expiring December 2013" and let her loose.

Well, actually, I first gave her to my dad to take her jacket off, thinking he'd read or notice the shirt at that point, but no. He didn't even look at it!

I should break here to mention that Chris thought the shirt idea was terrible and that no one would read it, so he was LOVING the fact that my dad missed it and smirking to me. He was so confident in that fact that he bet me ten bucks that I'd have to tell people to read her shirt before they caught on. He's clearly an unsupportive jerk....and it was looking like he was going to be RIGHT. UGH. I hate being wrong. I had Carys standing on a chair, displaying the shirt, holding her arms out, pointing her in the direction of various relatives....and FINALLY my uncle read it! YES VICTORY IS MINE SUCK IT CHRIS. Except he just raised an eyebrow at me and silently mouthed, "Really?" so it's hard to say whether that counted towards the bet or not.  Thankfully, a few minutes later my aunt read it out loud, screamed, and then it was all over and everyone knew. Except for my sister, who missed the second announcement in a row - she was out of town the Christmas when we told everyone about Carys, and she was out of town this time too. Whoops!!! Jenna, I didn't realize it'd be twice in a row! I'm a terrible sister. We texted her a picture of the shirt to fill her in on the news, which is a lame substitution, I know.

(I can't help it - a few gratuitous Memorial Day pictures...)

Her hair was CUH-RAY-ZEEEEEE that day - heat plus humidity equals messy curls for this girl. I hope her hair stays that way. Even though her dad and I both have straight hair, my grandfather apparently had curly hair (back in the olden days when he had hair, he claims) so it's possible, right?

...now returning from cute toddler derail to our previously schedule programming....

Later that weekend we went to a friend's Memorial Day party, and while I didn't make any big announcements, I did tell people as the timing was right (normal conversation:  Them: "Lara! Take this shot!!" Me: "No, thanks!" Them: "OMG ARE YOU PREGNANT?!?"). Apparently I drink a lot usually?  (That's not actually true since I got pregnant the first time...but before Caleb, it would have definitely been true.)

I also stopped by my paternal grandma's, with Carys wearing the shirt, and she noticed immediately and was thrilled. I have a cousin on that side due a couple weeks after me who announced the day she peed on the stick (literally with a picture of the fresh test on Facebook - ah, the Facebook generation!!), so since my grandma has known about her for a while this came as a big surprise.

Telling my mother-in-law is up next - and she's ALWAYS fun to surprise, so we'll see how that goes. I'm just hoping to actually SURPRISE her since I know she's been waiting for this for a year!

Baby Squish : Eight Weeks

Today, I’m eight weeks pregnant with Baby Squish (because who doesn’t love that part of Finding Nemo? I do!).

That means I’ve known about this little tadpole for a little over a month, and honestly: it doesn’t feel any more real than it did the day I found out. It’s sort of a bizarre feeling. I’m SO excited, but it’s tempered excitement, full of “ifs” rather than “whens.” I wonder if that’s because my body knows it’s not going to end well and I’m mentally preparing for an event that will happen in the future (in which case, sign me up for the psychic hotline, right?) or if it’s just normal pregnancy (particularly pregnancy-after-loss) worries and anxiety. I lean towards the latter, but I’m terrified of the former.

We got to see Squish’s heart beat last week, and got an official due date of December 17 (that’s the third due date for those of you keeping track at home – December 20, based on ovulation; December 12, based on LMP; and now December 17, based on baby measurements).

Symptom-wise, it’s just EXHAUSTION and BLOAT. And yes, those need to be capitalized. And bolded. And underlined. I am SO tired every single day. I take a nap when Carys naps. Then I go to bed at 8:30 or 9. Then I wake up at 11. Then at 3. Then at 5. Nothing I’ve found helps me stay asleep (ok, I’ve only tried Unisom since my pharma friend okayed that BUT PROBABLY NOTHING ELSE WOULD WORK). I’m also so bloated; I have a rock-hard stomach that looks about 14 weeks pregnant at any given time. I’m on progesterone supplements until I hit 12 weeks, and two of the side effects are drowsiness and bloat. So combine the typical 1st tri symptoms of tiredness and bloat with the side effects of tiredness and bloat and basically I never had a chance. I’ve been lucky that the morning sickness has been virtually non-existent – a few mornings of feeling generally kind of hung over, but no actual puking. And it’s hard to separate the exhaustion from the hungover feeling since feed off each other.

Poor Carys has officially started feeling second child syndrome and is experiencing all the ways she’ll be shucked to the side once the new, shiny baby is here. Because of the exhaustion, she’s watched more TV in the past month than she did in her entire previous life. I’ve managed to keep it slightly acceptable by limiting it to PBS Kids shows (with a sprinkle of Thomas, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Finding Nemo) (ok, who am I kidding? This is NOT acceptable!) but I still feel terrible. I’ve also been so tired that I’ve found it hard to keep up the motivation to really cook good meals for her, so neither of us have eaten that well recently. And all the wonderful, fun activities I had been doing with her? Gone. Nary a planned craft in sight.

Completely inexplicably, she’s also taken to blowing bubbles on and kissing my stomach. She’s never been interested in it before, other than pointing out my belly button, but she must be feeding off some subliminal messages, because it’s a constant focus of hers. When Baby Squish starts moving around, her little mind is going to be BLOWN TO BITS.

Right now my goal is just to survive the next few weeks til I make it to the second trimester and a) hopefully get some energy back and b) get to see Squish at the NT scan. Going five weeks without knowing that he or she is okay and kicking….that may be the most stressful part of this whole thing.

Please be okay, Baby Squish. Please.

Settling into Pregnancy

It's actually hard to believe I've known I'm pregnant for two weeks. It's going pretty quickly - I hope the rest of the first trimester continues in the same vein. 12 weeks, and then 24 weeks. Those are the huge milestones for someone with previous pregnancy loss. If I can just get to those two milestones I'll be able to relax a bit. Maybe.

I had a doctor appointment on Friday, and officially got the due date of 12/12. That kind of puts a damper in my plans for a 12/12 baby, since the chances of having my c-section scheduled on my due date are slim to none. The 12/12 due date is based on the first day of my last period (LMP), which would have put me at 6 weeks and 1 day at the ultrasound. Based on ovulation, I should be due 12/20 (and should have measured 5 weeks at the ultrasound); however, the baby actually measured 5 weeks and 4 days (go baby!). Because there was less than a week difference between the actual measurement of the baby and the LMP date, they stuck with the LMP date. After thinking about it, it really kind of sucks - because of my scheduled C-section, the baby will already be coming a week early, and if they are dating the pregnancy an additional week early, that means that the baby will come closer to 38 weeks than to 40 weeks. So in order to let the kid bake as long as possible, I'm hoping that they'll be willing to wait until 12/12, but I'll hold off and see what the kid does in terms of growth over the next few appointments. If he or she is consistently measuring a few days behind, I might pressure them to revise the due date once again.

Other developments this week:

- A crippling fear that I'm ruining Carys's life by bringing in sibling. Totally normal, I'm told. And may stick around for a little while even after delivery, I'm told. I just keep thinking about how much I adore my siblings, and how I don't really remember whether my life was affected going from only child to big sister, and hoping that Carys is the same. I sit with her and have all this quiet time and one-on-one time, and I know that's going to go largely by the wayside, and it's a little sad to think about. I'll definitely try to do what I can to have alone time with both kids at different times, but it's never going to be the same again, and of course that's scary.

- Massive and scary cramping earlier this week that rendered me unable to sleep. Apparently normal, especially the second time. But I thought that any minute my uterus was going to explode.

- Slight morning sickness started yesterday. GOOD TIMES. At the moment, I'm strongly feeling like eating a gross, smushed, greasy burger from Burger King smothered in ketchup. WTF.

A Positive Test

While this post won’t be published for several weeks, I want to remember the moment that changed our life completely (for the second time) as it happened.

Today, in the wee hours of the morning, we found out that something I’ve wanted for a long time might just happen:

In December, if all goes well, Carys will become a big sister.

My heart is still pounding. I’m nervous, hopeful, optimistic, pessimistic, cautious, scared, excited. I want this SO MUCH. I keep closing my eyes and just asking the universe to let us have a healthy baby at the end of a healthy pregnancy.

I have been charting my temperatures each morning (which helps you determine when you ovulate, and therefore helps you get pregnant) and historically, I’d seen a big temperature drop at 10 days after ovulation, meaning that a unwelcome monthly visitor was on the way. However, this morning, there was no temp drop. It stayed the same. My heart immediately skipped a beat and I think I knew at that moment. It was 6am and everyone else was still asleep, but I ran to the bathroom and took a test. Watching the little hourglass turn for three minutes felt like three hours, and I knew I should be nervous, but: I knew. Seeing “Pregnant” pop up with no warning, though, still took my breath away.

Before, in abstract terms, I’d considered fun ways to announce our third pregnancy to Chris – putting Carys in a “Big Sister” t-shirt, for example. However, when faced with the situation, I didn’t stop to pause or think that I might want to wait to do something fun. Instead, I ran into the bedroom, turned on the light, and woke him out of his slumber to shove the test into his face. He laughed a little bit, gave me a high five, and we laid in bed for a few minutes, just cuddling and quietly considering what changes will be coming to our little family if all goes as planned.

Carys must have sensed the excitement emitting from our room, because she woke up nearly an hour earlier than her usual time. When I went to pick her up, she chirped, “Hi!” in her usual cheery fashion and reached for me. I picked my baby girl up, held her tight, and whispered, “Hey, big sister.”

Time Warp

Does anyone else have the feeling that their entire pregnancy occurred in a Twilight Zone? And sadly the 21-and-under-crowd probably thinks of vampires and not Alfred Hitchcock when I say that, but rest assured I'm thinking more of the portly gentleman than the sparkling ones.*

I took my bike into the bike shop to get a tune up, and the owner asked when the last time I'd ridden it was.

"Um, not too long. I rode all the time last summer."

Pause.

"Oh, wait. No, that's not right. I was pregnant all last summer.** So it would have been the summer before that."

I had literally completely forgotten that the summer of last year I was pregnant.  In my mind, the summer BEFORE that was last summer. And that happens all the time - someone will ask how long ago something occurred, and my answer will be X minus nine months. I mean, I remember being pregnant. But it's like it happened in a parallel universe.

It's very strange.

*Apparently Twilight Zone and Alfred Hitchcock Presents are two different shows that I've mind-melded into one.

**My mom wouldn't let me ride (adorably protective) and also it was 100 degrees at 8am pretty much every day of the summer so suck it.

From Positive to Baby

I haven't looked at these for four months. Ready for insanity? I miss that belly. I want to be pregnant again! (No, this isn't a pregnancy announcement...I'm not THAT crazy.)



Some of these have little reminders of what was going on in our lives that week.

1st row, 1st pic - 6 weeks pregnant, first belly pic!
1st row, 4th pic - We got our Pack N Play 50% off at Target! 1st baby purchase!
1st row, 5th pic - The first cloth diaper we purchased. This was around 16 weeks, I think.
2nd row, 3rd pic - Picking paint colors for her room.
3rd row, 1st pic - Painted!
4th row, 1st pic - Curtains up in her closet, and got a stroller!
4th row, 3rd pic - Baby shower invites went out!
4th row, 4th pic - First baby shower gift sent to our house! The line on the wall is masking tape where I taped off the size of the crib.
4th row, 5th pic - The crib is in the room! (But note it is not put together...ahem, Chris.)
5th row, 1st pic - Friend baby shower, around 34 weeks
5th row, 2nd pic - Family baby shower, around 36 weeks
5th row, last pic - BABY!

Pregnancy: A Round Up

Pregnancy is such an interesting phenomenon in terms of, well, everything. I mean, you literally grow a person from two cells. Which is a total and complete mindfuck. But I'm referring specifically to how it's such different experience from person to person. Some people hate it and are so sick and have terrible symptoms; some love it and have 19 kids and counting; most are probably in some gray area in between.

I was one of the lucky ones who loved the vast majority of my pregnancy. Not enough to want to do it 18 more times, but certainly a few more. It's been suggested that maybe it's because of my loss history, and I'm certain that plays a role. But luck also has a lot to do with it, and I was very lucky in terms of symptoms and health. The last few days before she was born were pretty miserable, but it was hot and I was huge and sore. The fact that I only suffered a small percentage of the 40 weeks, though, shows how very lucky I was.

I wrote this list while I was still pregnant, so some of it is present-tense even though I'm no longer pregnant.

WHAT I WILL NOT MISS ABOUT BEING PREGNANT
1. Painful vagina
I can't even explain the pain I get every night in the lady bits. I'm not sure why it's worst at night for me, but there have been times it's woken me up and kept me awake for hours. We fondly refer to it as "combat boot vagina syndrome", where it feels like someone kicked you with steel-toed combat boots.
Update: It's a miracle; I don't even remember what it felt like anymore! This is EXACTLY how people get pregnant again so soon - selective memory. It's been replaced by boob and nipple pain. Someday maybe I'll write about that.

2. Butts in ribs
This is better since she dropped, but there were a couple weeks there when she liked to press her butt right up into my ribs and cause excruciating pain and difficulty breathing. Luckily that wasn't all the time, but when it happened, OW.

3. NO BOOZE
I'm not an alcoholic by any means, but damn I can't wait to have a glass of Moscato di Asti. One will be waiting for me in my hospital room, perfectly chilled. And if he forgets, Chris will be facing certain divorce.
Update: Strangely, I had a few sips of celebratory wine, but it doesn't even sound good right now.

4. Stretch marks
I guess I can't miss these since they're there forever. I hesitate to even put this on the list because I got off so lucky with the whole ripped up skin thing, having only Judy + Co., but no one likes them. Badge of honor, my ass.
Update: Again: luck. My stomach is squishy, but size-wise it's almost back to where it was before, and the stretch marks barely show.

5. Speaking of ass, CELLULITE.
Jesus fucking christ, the cellulite is out of control.
Update: This actually cleared up a bit. Hopefully when I'm cleared to work out it will go away more...or else I'll have to table my dream of being a celebrity permanently because I'd always be featured in the "worst beach bodies" section of tabloids.

6. Swollen feet
Another thing I've been very lucky on, but the occasional times my feet have swelled up aren't fun. Foot flesh spilling over sandal straps? Very sexy, I'm assured.
Update: Gone! I never swelled up after surgery either, which is very common due to the IV fluids you receive.

7. Maternity clothes
I've been pretty lucky that I've been able to mostly keep a non-maternity wardrobe (yes, even with the belly as giant as it is). Long tank tops have been a staple, as have drawstring pants (thank god it's the summer and there are a ton of shorts and capris and lightweight khakis that tie instead of button!). I do have a few maternity things here and there and I pretty much unequivocally HATE them. The over-the-belly panel pants? Can die a thousand fiery [sidenote: why is this spelled fiery instead of firey??] deaths. Hate hate hate. I only have two pairs of them but I weep openly when I have to wear them. Ok, that's not true. But it could be.

8. Being forced to sit obscenely
Currently, she's so low that I literally cannot sit normally. My entire belly presses down on my thighs if I try. So spread-legged like a 13-year-old teenage boy it is. Before, whenever I sat, she pressed up into my ribs (see #2) and restricted my breathing.
Update: Gone instantly the second she was born. AWESOME.

9. Glowing skin...NOT
Speaking of 13 year-old-teen boys, since the moment the pee dried on the stick I've been broken out. And it's not thanks to the old wives's tale that girls steal your beauty, because it happened with Caleb too. I'm just forever destined to have pizza face when I'm pregnant, I guess.
Update: Still gross. Boo.

10. Bad jokes.
"Hey, did you know you're pregnant?" "Do you think you might be knocked up?" "I hate to break it to you, but you've been putting on a couple pounds lately." "You sure it's not twins in there?" HAHAHA OMG I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE AND CERTAINLY NOT DAILY FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS YOU'RE SO FUNNY HAHAHAHAHA.

11. The waiting
Nine - no, ten! - months is a LONG FREAKING TIME. We were pregnant BEFORE Christmas, which was like two years ago. I mean, I realize that I'm creating a new human from scratch and all that, but does it really have to take this long???????? And also, once you get to this end point the waiting game is even worse because it could literally happen AT ANY MINUTE. Not to mention the million "Haven't you had that baby yet?" questions you get on a daily basis. "Um, let me check." [Looks down at giant belly.] "Nope, doesn't appear so. But thanks for asking and reminding me that I am huge and look uncomfortable!"
Update: The exact opposite phenomenon happens once the baby is born. A month is POOF gone in literally the blink of an eye. I have never ever ever experienced time flying like this. It feels like she's been here a week, maybe. No way has it been four weeks! [Okay, actually there really IS no way it's been four weeks since it's only been three and a half.]

12. The belly
This should be capitalized. The Belly. THE BELLY. Not being able to bend over, roll over, lay on your stomach, sit, shave, tie shoes, put on underwear, or anything that involves, um, ANYTHING like a normal person gets old quickly.
Update: I miss the belly. Sob.

Predictably enough, they're almost all third tri complaints - and for me, they are mostly late third tri complaints, so for anyone reading this contemplating pregnancy: DO IT. DO IT DO IT DO IT. Now that I am having/have a baby, I want everyone to join me in the cult. So we can commiserate celebrate together!

WHAT I WILL MISS ABOUT BEING PREGNANT
1. The belly
I know, I know. I just said I wouldn't miss it. And granted there are certain things that I won't miss. But I think I'll miss it more than I won't. I love this giant basketball that makes the rest of me look balanced. I love not having to suck in or worry about that lovely Buddah roll I usually have. Plus, it gives me lots of...
Update: Correct prediction. I do miss it!

2. Attention!
OMG, people love a pregnant woman. I love the attention. I love people asking me about it, when I'm due, if it's a boy or a girl, if we have names, if they can feel it, holding doors, letting me skip ahead in line, making me rest. I love them rubbing my belly and talking to her like she can hear and the pure excitement that everyone seems to exude when around an expectant mother. I know that will all go away once the baby is born and instead of worshipping me and my baby-making vessel they'll just be wishing that the crying baby would shut the hell up. People are all Republicans when it comes to babies...they care about it when it's baking, but once it's outside you're on your own.
Update: Correct prediction 2. More attention from family, but not nearly as much from strangers. This may be a plus for most people who aren't attention whores.

3. Baby movement
I think I'll miss this the most. I love it. LOVE it. I could lie in bed all day just waiting for her to make her move.
Update: Oh, my gosh, do I miss feeling her move. Is that weird? Sometimes when she's wrapped up tightly in a swaddle blanket she'll make a movement with her hands or feet that I recognize so strongly it makes my heart flutter. I had phantom movements for a week or so after delivery (very common) and would get excited to feel her little hands or feet, only to remember that I could ACTUALLY for REAL feel her hands and feet right next to me in bed. Even so, it's still bittersweet.

4. Nesting
I have a feeling that once she's born I'll have no time to clean. I'll miss the motivation that nesting gives. I'll miss the clean house.
Update: Correct prediction.

5. Constant company
I love the feeling that she's always with me and I'm never alone. It's like my own little sidekick; my little confidant. I talk to her, poke her, read to her...when I have to leave the actual real baby alone in the actual real world I think I'll be lonely.
Update: Hmm. I think this is true. I haven't had enough alone time to tell though.

6. Presents
Ok, I know this is superficial, but seriously. Who out there doesn't like getting presents? And people like buying cute baby things and giving them to you! It's awesome! And since she's not here yet I get to open them all!!! It's like they are all for me!
Update: Um, actually you get a lot of presents when they are born too. And you still get to open them. SCORE.

7. The body
I overall loved my pregnant body. So cheesy, but I really did feel lush and womanly and...ripe? Like a banana. I will miss feeling like a banana.

8. Feeding the baby with no problem
I'm adding this one after the fact. I wish she was still connected and feeding via umbilical cord, because breastfeeding has been a hellish journey for us thus far that shows no signs of improving yet. But that's just me...I'm sure it's beautiful for most people.

Looking at the tally, it seems like there's a lot more I won't miss about pregnancy than I will, but in reflection...I really miss it. I adore Carys and I love looking at her and playing with her, but I also loved being pregnant with her. It's a good thing I want to do this four three two more times.

Emotional Limbo

I'm not sure where this post belongs, on this blog or on my loss blog.  But I think here, because while it has more to do with Caleb and my feelings about him, it also is about this pregnancy, and I promised no baby talk on my other blog.   So far I've been told that, "This is awesome! Since you're pregnant again, everything's better, right?" Um, no. This does not in any way take away the pain that was caused by losing our first baby.  That'd be a mighty big order for a baby who is thus far the size of a plum. That'd be a mighty big order for a newborn, for a toddler, a high-schooler, an adult. No one should have to carry that burden. This baby is a different baby.  This baby is a baby who would have been here someday and is just arriving a couple years earlier than I would have liked. This isn't our oldest or only baby.  This is Caleb's little brother or sister - a separate, different baby. One that doesn't replace our first baby.  One that doesn't mitigate the pain I felt the moment I realized I was going to lose Caleb, an instant in time that I remember as clearly as I do this morning's breakfast. 

I've also been puzzled by people's reactions. So many people are responding like this is our first pregnancy. I honestly don't know what I expected, but maybe an acknowledgment that this is a scary road? Or maybe like my cousin, who said, "Congrats!! I'm so happy for you, and you already have an angel in your corner!" I'm probably asking too much of people, though. They don't know what to say, or whether to say anything, or what it's like.  If I wasn't in this position, I'd probably respond the wrong way too. And actually I take that back. It's not the wrong way. No one (ok, the person who said it was all better, but other than that) has said anything wrong. It's just that so few people have said what I at times need to hear, which is just a recognition of what I've already gone through. And a totally irrational thought? I hate hearing that because I had morning sickness with this pregnancy or because I'm not bleeding with this pregnancy that it's a better pregnancy. It makes me feel so immensely guilty that I failed Caleb last time because I wasn't able to throw up or keep him safe and makes me feel like they're saying Caleb was doomed from the start.

It's a terrifying, scary, bumpy road that you're sure is going to come crashing down on you any moment. I know every pregnant women is nervous about losing her baby, but for most of them, that fear greatly diminishes in the second trimester. That fear is going to increase for me, and it's a fear I know very few people can relate to. I'm so, so glad I have friends like Maggie and Jen and a few others who aren't "out" yet so I won't mention, but they are all on this same road with me and understand literally every single emotion that this journey brings with it.

And my hope for 2011 is that we all have healthy babies. And my other hope for 2011 is that Courtney and the other families (all my TTCAL ladies) who are trying so hard to get a ride on this scary road are able to jump on (I take that back...claw their way on. I *wish* it were as easy as just jumping on).

Here's to a new year, hopefully filled with happier endings than 2010.

Twelve weeks looks weird.

Twelve is one of those words that looks REALLY weird when you actually look at it and focus on it. And say it out loud a few times.

Anyway, almost in the second trimester! Holy cow!

  1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8   9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40

Hmm. Making some progress. But I'd like to be in that fourth line. I've never been in the fourth line before. Sniff, sniff.

We had the NT scan this morning and all looked good. We won't get the official results that take the blood tests into account for another week or so, but the nuchal translucency measurement was about 1.5 and nasal bones were present, which are both excellent signs.

In other news, I believe that we're having a gnome. Or maybe Jesus. Or Santa Claus? I see a beard on this baby.

Do you see the hand at the top of the picture above? You can see two fingers and the thumb. 

The bright white line that you can see under the baby's back in some pictures is the amniotic sac. And seriously, what's with the beard??? The doctor didn't mention anything about it and I didn't notice it until after we'd gotten home. I mean, I'd love the world's first bearded baby, but it might take some getting used to.

OR! Maybe the baby is a PHAROH. Like King Tut!

 

I totally see it. 

Out of the Closet

Yikes! We are officially out of the closet to our families.  I just have to keep reminding myself that I can't jinx things by telling people.  In other news, I picked up the heartbeat with the doppler a few days ago, so now we just have to have good news at the NT scan and....and what? I won't stop worrying, but it will be another step in the right direction.  Just 195 more steps in the right direction, and we'll hopefully have a baby in our arms! A LIVE one, even! Holy cow!

10 Week Pictures

I called the doctor's office today because I was concerned about a possibly UTI (oh, the many small perils of being pregnant), and when I was there to get it checked out, they said that since I was there, they might as well check on the baby, too!  Opie is doing great - measuring 11 weeks, 1 day (I'm 10 weeks, 4 days) (oh, god, am I going to give birth to a giant?) (ouch) (oh, phew, no worries...I don't have to push him or her out! Yay TAC!). Heartbeat right on track, but I forgot to look at what it was.  Little arms and legs waving around. I have to remember to take video of the NT scan in two weeks. I immediately regretted not doing it at Caleb's and still regret it to this day - he was SO. CUTE. And the pictures don't capture the essence very well.

I love the new doctor's office - they are so responsive and focus on prevention - but every time I see a new doctor (well, both times) they question why I got the TAC. You can tell that they think I should have tried a vaginal cerclage first, though they haven't said as much. I just try to explain we weren't comfortable with the success rates associated with the TVC, but I'm glad it's done and over with so I don't have to fight for it. I trust Dr. Haney was truly looking out for the best interests of me and my future babies - as he does for hundreds of other women.

Optimus Prime, aged 10 weeks, 4 days:

Ten Weeks!

Holy crap, I'm 10.5 weeks.  Hopefully the "flying by" part has started and will continue straight through late June. I cannot wait.

CAN.
NOT.
WAIT.

I've been trying to find the heartbeat with the doppler to tide me over until the NT scan, but so far nothing. I'm hoping to find it before Christmas - I'd like some confirmation this pregnancy is still progressing before we announce it.   So this little one has 10 days to work out that heart and get it beating loud enough for the doppler to pick up.

OH SHIT CHRISTMAS IS IN 10 DAYS I HAVEN'T DONE ANY SHOPPING OR SENT OUT CARDS AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A SINGLE IDEA ABOUT WHAT TO GET CHRIS HOLY SHIT.

Um, anyone out there have ideas?

Just want to remember this.

This is just an exchange I want to remember, because it was pretty adorable in its ignorance.

A few weeks ago, I was telling Chris about some spotting I was having, and he replied, "Couldn't that just be from it planting? Or did it already plant?"  I know there's not much difference between "implanting" and "planting," but the mental image is pretty darn awesome.

Baby's First Vacation

Baby and I just got back from a trip to Australia, where we cuddled kangaroos (really), petted a koala (really), and ate crocodile (not really, but it was on the menu).


It was a great trip, full of good food and hot guys with Aussie accents, and tons of little school kids in super cute school uniforms. Seriously, the little girls looked like Madeline. And their uniforms came complete with sunhats and Peter Pan collars. I'm going to convince Chris to move to Sydney so that our kid will grow up with the accent. The hot guys with the accent (calling everyone "darling") were, well, hot, but the little kids were just adorable. Plus, it's warmer there. And there are palm trees. And cockatoos just flying around all wild. I mean, obviously cockatoos come from SOMEWHERE, but I just always assumed it was a pet store.


Sideways koala proof!


And thus ends my Australia trip pictures - because my laptop fried and I lost almost all of the pictures from the trip. SOB. I have a few more that I was able to recover that I'll post someday...maybe....but for now, you just get to see sideways me with a koala. 

Baby's First Pictures

Sorry so small. The second one down on the right in the montage is the rapidly disappearing yolk sac. The others are all various views of the occupant and his tiny living space.

He or she is upside down here.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Appointment Update

And it's great news!  I'll post pics in a second, but I mean, basically it's a jelly bean/gummy bear hybrid in a under-inflated black balloon. I think it's awesome, but I'm pretty sure all 8 week ultrasounds look pretty identical.  Anyway. We have a heartbeat: 172 bpm.  Caleb's was always around 160, if I remember correctly. So...girl?  Also, morning sickness this time and none last time, which according to my mom, also means girl (since she had morning sickness with the three girls and none with my brother). Optimus Raspberry Prime was measuring right on time - actually a day ahead! - at 8 weeks and 2 days.

My next appointment is December 30, where we'll have the NT scan, and then starting in January I'll be seen twice a month.  Hopefully we'll get in a good seven more months of appointments!