18w6d Milestone

Hot damn, made it past the first loss milestone.  Rock on, Rainbow baby. Rock on, transabdominal cerclage.  Next up: 19w4d, when I'll be more pregnant than I ever have been.  Eeek.

What's the opposite of confident?

Because that's what I am. I'm the total and complete opposite of confident in this pregnancy. It started with the light line.  Then it continued with the lack of symptoms. Then it increased with some weird pain around where I guess my cerlage is, and blew up all over the place when I went to the bathroom and had brown-tinged cervical mucus.

Oh, hi. If you didn't already know, this blog will talk about lots and lots of wonderfully disgusting things like cervical mucus, poop, blood, and zombies.

So I'm just going to say this: FUCKING FUCKETY FUCK.  I hope in nine months I'm looking back at these feelings and thinking about ways I can use them to guilt my child into doing my laundry or mowing. I hope this cerclage sucker is doing its job.

Oh, and: Today I am pregnant and today I love my baby.

Let's try this again.

I'm keeping this blog secret for a while, so if you know me at my other blog or in real life, please don't say anything...especially on Facebook!

I just - like less than an hour ago - found out I'm pregnant. Again. I discovered I was pregnant previously in December of 2009, and went into premature labor and lost our son Caleb in April 2010.  After that loss, I was diagnosed with likely incompetent cervix and underwent surgery to correct it permanently (called a trans-abdominal cerclage).  While it means I'll have to have a c-section for this baby (who WILL be coming home!...right?), I'm totally down with that if it means that in nine months I get to complain about my lack of sleep due to a squealing newborn.

I'm exactly 4 weeks pregnant today and our due date is July 11, 2011. I would love the next nine months to fly by. Last time, it was pretty slow from the time I found out until about nine weeks, and then from then until 20 weeks it went quickly. I hope it's the same way this time, with a different ending, obviously. 

So I don't have any symptoms right now. Nothing to write home about, anyway. Unless you regularly write home about gas or diarrhea or other unmentionable bodily functions.  Which I hope you don't. 

My pregnancy with Caleb was similarly boring at the beginning. While I didn't have a lot of symptoms - very mild nausea, tiredness, some cramping and stretching in the interior lady parts - I did have bleeding off and on from six weeks until...well, until he was born just halfway into my pregnancy.  Hopefully this kiddo's path sharply diverges from that one and takes the road less bloody. 

I'm terrified. I'm way too knowledgeable about everything that can go wrong this time around, from chemical pregnancies to molar pregnancies to early losses to 2nd trimester losses to still birth to infant loss to infections to placental abruption to dear god just so many damn things.  I approach this pregnancy with a healthy dose of reality and temperance and reality. I don't know when I'll let myself believe it or get excited about it.  I do know that I'm about to duct tape my hands down to keep myself from knocking on every piece of wood I see.  I'm going to turn into a superstitious crazy lady...and not because of the hormones.  When I bought the pregnancy tests, I also bought a box of tampons and a bottle of wine to offset it and let the universe know that I wasn't jinxing anything, I swear!

So. I'll end this post like I ended my first post about Caleb's pregnancy.  A picture of the test. I'm 14 days post ovulation and missed my period by two days. The line, it's light. That worries me. However, breathing worries me. Typing this worries me. Eating a s'more today worries me. I may be better off counting what doesn't worry me for the next 36 weeks.

I'll be confirming with a digital test tomorrow morning. Please, please let this one work.

As my pregnant after loss mamas have taught me: Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby.