That Boob Post

Somehow I wrote this post months ago and never published it, 

but it's got some good information, so I'm publishing it now. Whoops!
**Since writing this, we've weaned, so I added weaning info to the end.**

15 months and 10 days. That's how long I've nursed Carys, as of today.  It was a hard (let me emphasize: HARD) journey at first, but the last year plus has been amazing.  Our nursing relationship is slowing - we're down to a few times a day - and I can't lie; I'm going to miss it like crazy when we're done.

When I look back, I'm mostly just so grateful that it worked for us and grateful for this time with her. I know far too many people who struggled hard and had to make the gut-wrenching (but baby saving!) decision to stop, and we were so close to being there.  I'm eternally grateful for whatever tiny graces allowed me to continue. Now, Carys is a busy little girl, and nursing gives us time to reconnect and be still together. Well. Kind of. Nursing a toddler is more gymnursetics than quiet stillness, but it's still a moment to stop together.

Nursing in the Hospital
I had hoped so much when she was born that I'd get to nurse her immediately, but the logistics of it at the time made it impractical (I had a c-section). I have some plans in place for next time and hopefully the next kiddo will get the benefit of my experience. Though I wasn't able to do immediate skin to skin contact with her, we were never apart. She was in the operating room with us as they finished, and we all went to the recovery room together. Once there, they tested her glucose level, because she was 9 pounds. She failed. (I did not have gestational diabetes.) Without really asking for permission, they gave her a bottle of sugar formula. I was and still am thrilled that Chris got to bond with her so quickly and feed her (and he loved it), but next time that will not happen. I knew at the time that I didn't want that (and had read what a nursing mother "should" do in that situation), but didn't know how to advocate for myself. Hearing one of the nurses say that she would never give her baby that disgusting formula solidified it for me.  Next time, I will ask to nurse first and then have her re-tested before consenting to the formula. She failed her next one and received another bottle as well, but passed the third. In the end, it was okay - she was a hungry baby, and latched on immediately after finishing the first bottle. We were nursing and doing skin to skin within an hour of her birth, which is great for a c-section baby.

The remainder of the stay in the hospital was a blur. I wasn't super confident in my nursing ability and I wasn't sure it was happening correctly, but none of the lactation consultants that we talked to seemed to see any issues. At this point, it wasn't painful, but it just didn't feel right. I actually stayed in the hospital an extra day (taking the full four days allowed for a c-section) in the hopes that I would be able to leave feeling confident.  I do remember that she wanted to nurse all. the. time. Which, you know, newborn. That's what they do.

Newborn Nursing (aka The Worst Days of Our Lives)
For the most part, the first month or two of her life, I wouldn't even wear a top. I was always taking it off to nurse, anyway, why bother? Plus the feeling of clothing against my skin was torture. I'm sure that the UPS guy really appreciated it when I answered the door topless on accident one morning! (It was not a pretty sight; poor guy!).  She was nursing every two hours, night and day, and would usually pass out right after nursing. She would also usually pass out WHILE nursing, so it took quite a bit of effort to get her to stay awake long enough to finish a meal. She was what they call a lazy nurser. 

Sometime in the first eleven days of her life, it went from not feeling right to being painful. Incredibly, incredibly painful. More painful than anything I'd ever experienced - and I'd just had major surgery! I would put off nursing her as long as I could in order to prolong feeling that pain. Toe curling, foot stomping, sobbing pain. I would cry through our nursing sessions, especially at night.  One of my friends came to do our newborn shoot, and she was totally alarmed at how much pain I was in because of it.  Once she was latched on, it wasn't bad, but the process of getting her latched on was quite literally torture.

Because of the pain (or maybe the pain was because of this) I got clogged ducts and mastitis.  Because of the antibiotics for the mastitis, I got thrush.  Thrush felt like a million needles being stuck in my nipples each time I nursed. Mastitis made me feel run down and like I had the flu - just overall sick.  I went through the mastitis-thrush cycle at least twice (I have tips and tricks for beating those now if you need any!).

I went to a La Leche League meeting and finally was able to get someone to agree that her latch wasn't right. She would open wide, but then as she latched on, close her bottom jaw.  They gave me some tips to work on it, which helped to some degree.  However, it was there that someone mentioned tongue tie, and, as I was desperate to blame SOMETHING for the issues we were having, I called the doctor they mentioned who specialized in nursing issues.

So when she was about five weeks old, we saw the special doctor. She confirmed that Carys had a slight case of posterior tongue tie. She could clip it, but warned me that clipping it doesn't always work for that type of tie, and since Carys was older, her latch was already well established so it was even less likely to work. I made the decision to clip it out of desperation (it wasn't too bad!).

They also weighed Carys, and I discovered she'd lost three ounces since her doctor appointment two weeks prior. She clearly was not getting enough from me - the mastitis and my avoidance of nursing on that side (I'd pump instead) had drastically affected my supply. The doctor had me start a nurse/bottle/pump routine. I would nurse Carys, she would have a bottle of pumped milk, and then I would pump. I quickly ran out of pumped milk doing that, so she did get some bottles that were a mix of breastmilk and formula, but I am lucky that we never had to do straight formula. This routine continued for two or so weeks, and it was miserable. I was *always* nursing, feeding her a bottle, or pumping. As soon as I would finish pumping, she'd be ready to nurse again. And I was pumping at least twice in the middle of the night as well. But then! She started taking less and less of the bottle after nursing, and eventually she'd refuse it altogether. At that point, we stopped offering the bottle and I nursed her exclusively.

At the meeting, the doctor also discovered I had vasospasms, and the soothies I'd been using to try to help the pain were actually making it worse.  I started taking vitamin E and using a heating pad after each nursing session, and putting a wool breast pad in my bra, and that helped to some extent.

We did have one more scary setback when she was around six weeks. I found a bottle that had been left out, and it had turned pink. Literally highlighter pink! And her diapers were turning pink too - after she'd poop, the wetness that would leech out from the solids would turn pink after a day (I noticed it as I was washing diapers). I finally found some information about a scary infection that could cause milk to turn pink (from, of all places, an episode of "Mystery Diagnosis"), so at a well baby visit, the family doctor we see decided to do a milk culture and see what she found.  Well, she found the bacteria that causes that scary infection (serretia marcesens). And clearly it was in Carys's system, too, since her poop was turning pink.  This was terrifying, but also confusing, since neither of us had symptoms of being sick. I had to go see an infectious disease doctor (two of them!) to see what was going on and get more information. In the long run, since we never got sick, they decided to let it run the course without drugs (treatment is a very aggressive course of antibiotics that would have required me to stop nursing). 

When I was first having so many difficulties, I kept reading that it would improve at around six weeks. That's what really got me through the difficult parts. I'd think, "Okay, I can do one more day. I just need to make it two weeks nursing, and then if I need to stop, I can." When she turned two weeks old, I thought, "Ok, one month. I can do this one month." At a month, I looked forward to that magic turning point of six weeks. Once we hit it, there was no improvement. It was still awful and painful and I was devastated. But I kept telling myself that any day it would get better, and then suddenly....it was.  When she was eight or nine weeks old, it just stopped hurting. I don't know what changed. I don't know if she (and therefore her mouth) got bigger so she was able to take more of the breast in while nursing, or if my nipples finally gave up and turned off their nerve endings, or what.

Besides the pain and issues, I remember most how she would pass out every time she nursed. I remember when she stopped doing that (I don't even know how old she was) I had no idea what to do with her...before, she'd pretty much be eating or sleeping. Now she was awake? And wanted to be entertained?

Why didn't I stop during any of that? I honestly don't know. It's the hardest thing I've overcome with parenting yet, and I know that she would have been fine not nursing and having formula instead. But it was important to me, and I really wanted to do it - and, other than the pain, I really, really liked it. I loved sitting with her and cuddling her and comforting her and being able to provide that for her. I wanted to continue. I REALLY wanted to continue. So I did.

Infant Nursing
Around three to six months, we hit our nursing prime. She was fast and efficient, I didn't have to carry around a million nursing accessories, and we had really hit our groove. Carys nursed every two hours during the day and 2-3 times at night at this stage.  And I was fine with that. She was actively eating, so she was clearly hungry, and she was still sleeping in our room (using the Rock N Play sleeper), so I didn't have to get out of bed to feed her.

I went back to work full time in October, when she was 12 weeks old. I pumped 3-4 times a day at work, and she had bottles while I was there.  No issues there.  That, however, didn't last long. After about a month, I realized that working full time away from her was not what I wanted and it was not what would make me happy. I stepped down from my management position and started working part-time - two four-hour days and one eight-hour day. I pumped once during my four hour days and twice during my eight-hour days. My employer let me use (and still lets me use) an intermittent FMLA, which allowed me to pump off the clock without penalty.

At around six moths, she went down to waking up just once during the night. She also was rolling over at night and escaping her swaddle. We decided to transition her to her crib at that point. She did wonderfully, and slept from about 9 p.m. to 8 a.m., and once a night I would go in and nurse.  We also introduced solid foods at this age (using BLW), but that didn't have any effect on her nursing schedule.  When I was home, she'd still nurse every two or three hours. It was also about this age that she learned the sign for "milk."

That pattern continued until she was about eight or nine months old, when she suddenly started sleeping through the night on her own.  (Don't get me wrong - there were a couple of REALLY rough nights! It wasn't all puppies and rainbows!) She also started eating a lot more during the day. I could see my supply had dropped a bit, and she started dropping a session or two during the day.

Toddler Nursing
We now nurse in the morning, before nap, and before bed when I'm home. The nap and bedtimes ones are cursory and just part of the routine; she really doesn't take in much. Depending on the day, she may want to nurse once or twice more or not at all. The morning is where she really nurses. We joke it's her morning coffee. We lay in bed together after she wakes up for an hour some days nursing (which, YAY, because I can sleep!) and then once she is awake awake, she might want to nurse once or twice more before she's ready to face the day. It's like her coffee.

Nursing now is fast and kinetic. She doesn't usually hold still except for when she's going to sleep, and she will move around and look around and kick and stand up and flip over and sometimes try to walk away with a nipple in her mouth.

I'm still grateful for our nursing relationship for many reasons, but one is because I don't have to worry as much about what or how much she eats, since she's still getting my milk, and that gives her a perfect mix of nutrients.

Nursing in Public
Ugh, yes, I'm one of THOSE. I nurse her in public, without a cover. I know, I know. I try to do it somewhat discreetly, but come on, I have big boobs, so that's a relative term. She will not abide use of a cover. And I'm not about to sequester myself away every time she needs to eat, so that equals nursing in public. Lots and lots of nursing in public.  Anyway, in my mind, if it's an appropriate situation to give a baby a bottle, it's an appropriate situation to give a baby a boob. And I won't nurse in a bathroom. Come on, that's just gross.

So yes, it's been quite the journey, and I'll be quite sad when we're done with it. I'm hoping that the knowledge I gained with Carys will help the next time go more smoothly and more pain-free, and I hope that some day Carys looks back at this, and after puking in her mouth a bit reading about my nipples, will appreciate how special this time was to both of us. Even if she can't remember...I always will.

Night Weaning  and Full Weaning
Since originally writing this post, we've weaned, so I thought I'd add a bit about that process.

She slowly started dropping nursing sessions and was down to 4-6 times a day, always including first thing in the morning, nap, and last thing at night (unless I wasn't home to put her to bed).  I was still nursing her to nap and to bed.

We were struggling to conceive and I wasn't getting pregnant, and I knew that nursing could be impacting that, so I knew that I wanted to start weaning her. I initially did “don’t offer, don’t refuse”, then moved on to offering her a snack, a glass of milk, a book to read, or anything I could think of to distract her from nursing. That worked maybe 30-40% of the time.  To push it further, I started limiting her sessions by singing a song she was familiar with (we used the ABC song). I'd let her nurse for a bit, then say, "Ok, I’m going to sing the ABCs, and when the song is all over, we’re done with milk.” I’d sing the song, then break her latch and let her repeat this (complete with the song again) on the other side. Soon enough, she’d anticipate the end of the song and finish on her own.  After a little bit of that, I moved to a shorter song, or would sing faster. This helped cut us down to just the three “big” sessions – morning, nap, and night. I think at some point she realized that she was nursing for such a short time that it wasn’t worth it to stop playing for such little gain.

The nap and night sessions were the next to be cut, and they both came at the same time. We went on a trip to Des Moines to meet my mom (who lives in Dubuque, IA during the school year). Because I had other plans the evening that everyone else was going up, my dad and sister took Carys and drove her up to the hotel. She was awake when they took her (right at the start of nap time) and fell asleep in the car – so she didn’t nurse to nap. Then, they put her down to bed in the pack-n-play at the hotel, so she didn’t nurse to bed that night. Now, that’s not entirely unusual – she wasn’t nursing to nap or bed with sitters or daycare or Chris, just with me. However, I was the one that usually put her to bed, and she insisted on nursing if I was the one to do it. So she didn’t nurse to nap or bed that day. I arrived later that night, stayed the night, and then nursed her in the morning as usual.  That day, she again fell asleep in the car during her nap, and I transferred her to the pack-n-play to finish her nap, so she skipped that nap session also. That night, we were out late, and she again fell asleep in the car, and I again transferred her to the pack-n-play without nursing. That marked two days in a row that she didn’t nurse to nap or bed. The next day, I nursed her in the morning, and in the afternoon we left to drive home. We again left at naptime so she’d sleep in the car (nap number three in a row she didn’t nurse). However, I was nervous about that evening. She’d be back in a familiar place and, I assumed, she’d want her familiar bedtime routine back. To avoid that, I had Chris put her to bed (I actually pretended to leave the house). Night number three without nursing. The next day, I continued to nurse her in the morning as usual, but when it came time to nap, I tried laying her down without nursing (since Chris was at work). And…holy crap. She did it. She asked, I said, “no milk!” and she just went to nap without it. That night, I again had Chris put her down to bed. The next day would be the REAL challenge – Chris had school in the evening so wouldn’t be home until after bedtime.  I nursed her in the morning, said no milk again at night (again no fight), and then….said no milk at bedtime, and that was it. She was fine with it.  

If you don’t have the ability to pack up your life and go out of town, I highly recommend having your partner (or even mom or sister or sitter) put them to bed and/or nap as you’re cutting the bedtime session. It definitely helps. That, and disrupting the routine.  If you can’t stand crying or begging, I also highly recommend actually leaving the house. I swear to god the kids know we are there and turn it up to 150% just to make us feel more guilty and break down and give in!!!

The morning session was the hardest to break, for personal reasons. Namely, I got to lay in bed for an extra hour each morning and sleep while she nursed. We called it her morning coffee, because she’d be grumpy and tired, and then after the morning session, she’d be bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to go.  For this session, I just had to really suck it up, meaning instead of going and laying down in bed with her, I got up and got fully dressed (to make the boobs harder to see/access) before getting her, then immediately started the day as soon as I got her.  The first couple days, I actually took her out of the house after changing her diaper and clothes – she was so distracted she didn’t even realize we’d skipped nursing. After that, when she woke up, I’d get her a glass of milk, we’d eat, we’d play, we’d go outside…anything to get her moving and take her mind off nursing.  

We officially weaned about four months ago, but even now, she occasionally asks to nurse (instead of “milk”, she now calls it “mommy’s milk…ADORABLE).  Probably about 90% of the time, she accepts a glass of water or milk in exchange, although there are a few rare times she tries to nurse. She gets nothing, but it’s still clearly a comfort to her. However, I’m definitely hoping to have it completely cut out at least six months before the new baby arrives, to try to avoid any jealousy or issues between her and the new baby. I’m also trying to prepare her, by calling her a big girl and reminding her that mommy’s milk is for little babies.   Because we went so slowly, I never had any problems with engorgement or pain with weaning (although I did have that after my milk came in with Caleb – TIGHT sports bras 24/7, even in the shower, no hot showers or water on them, no stimulation, cabbage leaves!).

If you’re in the process of weaning – good luck! It’s not easy, and I miss it, but it’s nice to have your body back to yourself. For a little while, at least.

Letters to Carrots : Month Twenty

February 7 to March 7, 2013

Dear Carys,

Happy twenty months of life, kiddo! In just a short time, we'll be celebrating your second birthday, though that seems hard to imagine now since it's cold and chilly and freezing and your birthday is in the middle of the summer, when it's warm. Warm and lovely. (Sick of winter, I am.)

In the last six months, you have seemed SO much more like a two-year-old than a one-year-old, and it is only increasing. Which, duh, you're closer to being two than one, so: yes, obviously. But it's still startling and unexpected, and particularly disconcerting when you say something or complete a task that seems like it SHOULD be beyond your years - yet, there you are doing it. I see these signs of you growing up every day, and I am frantically trying to keep up with you. But that, my daughter, is like trying to capture...um...well, trying to capture something that is not easy to capture. Please excuse me, I am the mother of an almost-two-year-old who thinks she's ten and my facilities are not all there (however, I can recite "Baby Bear, Baby Bear" and a number of other books by heart, so -- wash?). We try on pajamas that just a month or two ago were swimming on you, and suddenly they fit perfectly. You can reach counters and knobs and drawers that used to safely hide our drugs breakables. And, of course, as an almost-two-year-old, you have an opinion on EVERYTHING.  Which coat to wear, which shoes to wear, where I should be sitting, which toys to play with, what color crayon to use.....and god forbid one of those opinions doesn't mesh with reality. MELTDOWN. In a sure-to-change-soon fortuitous turn, though, you get over your meltdowns in record time. I doubt you've cried more than two minutes at any given time over a temper tantrum.

What hasn't changed?

You are still a crazy little daredevil.

You still have a rattail.

You're still smart and funny and goofy.

And adorable, of course. You're shy, but outgoing. Independent but clingy. Puzzles are a favorite toy. You still love to pretend to go to sleep. You still make some incredible messes. Daddy is still your favorite, but you love me most. You still love dressing up.

You continue to want to color ALL THE TIME (preferably with pens or markers but will begrudgingly accept crayons) and you love to help me cook.

Bathtime is still one of your favorite activities and you absolutely adore swim class (you now swim underwater - holy cow!).  You're a crazy dance machine. I love seeing you start bopping while we're shopping or at a restaurant.  You still love to read more than anything and read to us and let us read to you.

You've always been a loving kid, if not a cuddly one. You blow kisses unprompted when we are leaving, when going to bed, to strangers at the store. You give high fives and fist bumps left and right. You ask hugs.  You say, "Love you!" But you very rarely just cuddle, save for reading books, when you'll sit in our lap and read dozens and dozens of books in a row.  I was so apprehensive about weaning you for that reason, though several people assured me that you would come around and let me snuggle you. And, as always, the seasoned moms were right. You do indeed.  Each morning, you let me cuddle you while you slowly wake up. Sometimes we watch Curious George or Sesame Street (with an occasional Yo Gabba Gabba or Shaun the Sheep diversion), but often, we just sit together. It's my favorite time of the day.

You're a bundle of contradictions sometimes. If we go grocery shopping, you're Little Miss Trader Joe's Ambassador, with a smile and a "Hi!" for everyone we meet. Also see: Little Miss Target Ambassador and Little Miss Blue Sushi Ambassador. To the point where you will go from chirping "Hi!" happily and sweetly to practically screaming "HI!!!!" if they don't notice. But sometimes, when we first enter a new situation, be it dinner with friends or a playdate or even visiting Nana's house, you'll cling to me so hard that I think you might be able to actually melt right into me if you tried (me, or whoever else happens to be holding you at the time...but usually me). Slowly, you'll warm up and start stealing glances at people, until eventually you're the outgoing, bubbly girl we all know so well. It's fine by me if you need to take a minute to acclimate - more cuddles for me!

You LOVE packages. This may speak to my only-slightly-kidding addition to online shopping. If you see a box on the porch or hear the delivery truck outside, you yell, "BOX!" and you rush to go get it. You then want to help me open it - and could only care a little bit about what is inside, as you mostly just want to help me pop the bubble wrap.

When I put pigtails or a ponytail in your hair, you want to see it in the mirror and you pet your hair excitedly - then you immediately want to show your daddy. He scoops you up and tells you you're beautiful. And then I die because my heart explodes.

You have an incredible memory. It may not be incredible - it may be a normal toddler memory - but seeing as you're the only toddler I've got, it's incredible to me.  You were sick a few weeks ago, and I took your temperature under your arm. Yesterday, you found the thermometer, pressed the button to start it, and stuck it under your arm.

When we read books or see someone who is angry or sad or happy, you'll point out the emotion and then mimic it. You love pretending to be sad most of all.

When you get an owie, you'll immediately run to me to have it kissed, and, like magic, it's all better. I've been waiting my whole life to be able to do that for my child. It's totally as awesome as I thought it would be.

You love to sing songs, especially songs with motions. We do "Twinkle, Twinkle," "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes," "Pattycake," "Itsy Bitsy Spider," the "ABCs", "Old McDonald", and a variety of other songs over and over and over and over. And over. And over. And over.

You like things to be where they are supposed to go: books go on the bookshelf, toys go in the toy bin, and the nose on Mr. Potato Head in the nose hole. You'll put his in the wrong spot and announce, "Nose hat!" before laughing uproariously and fixing it.

We went to the zoo. Again.

We went to the Children's Museum. Again.

Neither of them ever get old.  Neither does doing ANYTHING with you.

When you want me to do something, you'll lead me around by the finger. If you want me to sit somewhere (and you often want me to sit somewhere) you'll call "Mommy!" and pat the ground where you want me to be. You'll push and pull me into the exact position you want.

If I'm carrying you outside, you tuck your arms in against my chest and bury your head in my shoulder to stay warm. You have to do this, you see, because you refuse to wear coats outside about half the time. However, the cuddles during this time are THE BEST.

When we color, you will invariably ask me to outline your hand, then have me put my hand down on the paper so you can outline mine (which equals drawing lines coming out from between my fingers). When the hand is lifted to reveal the traced handprint, you exclaim, "Ta-da!"

You nursed to bed for over a year and a half, and we stopped in February. I was worried it'd be difficult to put you to sleep without it, but you are the easiest child in the world to put to bed (KNOCK ON A LOT OF WOOD). I'll tell you it's naptime or bedtime at around 7:30, and you'll walk into your bedroom, telling anyone who is in the living room, "Night night!" and blowing kisses. A bedtime story, night diaper and some PJs later, you're ready to go. You barely tolerate me trying to rock or cuddle you and cut me off after about ten seconds, twisting away from me to get into bed. The second night of no nursing, you told me, "Night night, mommy. Bye bye." COLD! You'll allow begrudgingly allow me exactly one hug and one kiss, and that's it. You say, "I love you" and "Night night" to me as I walk out the door. And then we don't hear from you until 7:30 in the morning.  TRUST ME I know we are blessed on this front and DOUBLY TRUST ME I'm sure it's all going to go to hell at some point but I am savoring it for now. Also TRUST me that hearing your little voice say "I wuve oo!" is the cutest thing in the whole. entire. WORLD. (Even though I know you don't know what it means.)

Speaking of going to hell...so those dreaded two-year-old tantrums peek through at least once a day, but in I can always easily re-direct you. Your crying and screaming jags usually only last a minute, if that. I hear about people dealing with 45 minute tantrums and I inwardly cringe. I know that will be you at some point in the future, since every kid seems to go through that stage, but I'm grateful we haven't hit it full force yet. And still no incredible tantrums in public places...yet. (WHERE IS THAT WOOD TO KNOCK?)

Painting the paper that would later become the Valentines you handed out to your classmates.

Carys, you take after me in the talking department. You never shut up. And I love it. You talk and talk and talk. You love to read us stories, and in the car it's a non-stop babble-fest from start to finish. You're saying new "real" words every single day, LITERALLY. Words I didn't even know you knew, like "towel" or "push" or "bowl" (yet you still call water "milk"...).  I can't decide what my favorite Carys-pronunciation is, but "tank oo" for "thank you" is pretty high on the list. Oh, and "ahpee" for open.

You ate an entire package of dried seaweed as a snack the other day. Gross.

We went sledding and, predictably, you loved it. Snow plus action? OMG Baby Carys heaven. We may have tried to go down too steep of a hill together and you may have shifted on the sled and we may both have fallen off and I may have rolled on you and it may have terrified you, but luckily the situation was rectified by a quick run down the tiny hill, and you were in love with it again. Me? I'm just eternally grateful you didn't break a leg.

We went to Des Moines in early February to visit your Nana. Kimberly and your Gam-pa (I love how you say "Grandpa") went with us. We had a lot of fun visiting botanical gardens and the science center, but your favorite was when we ditched the family and went to visit my friend Sarah and her new baby Leo. While you were shy with them at first, once Leo came out, you couldn't stop touching and hugging and patting him. If we're ever lucky enough to make you a big sister, you're going to rock it.

You also celebrated Valentine's Day with your class at school (daycare). We made some cute little Valentines to pass out, and I was able to join you for the party.  You were SO excited to share your school day with me - you grinned from ear to ear the whole time.

It's so hard to end these letters, Carys, because there's always so much more to tell about you and your giant personality and I know that my memory isn't good enough to hold every detail about your childhood, and if I don't right it down, it might be lost forever. I KNOW I can't possibly remember everything, every little detail, but oh, how I want to do so. This is a magical time. You're totally innocent, yet you know so much. You're fully a toddler and almost a little girl, but you're still a baby. You're so independent, but you still rely on me for comfort. I know these days are numbered and I just want to hold onto them and live them to the fullest and only very begrudgingly ever let go.

Because, kiddo, I love you and I love almost-two.

La-la-love you. Hugs and kisses,

Mommy