Queasiness and Subterfuge

Queasiness:

I have felt sick pretty much 24/7 the past few days. I haven't actually thrown up since The Deviled Egg Incident (awesome band name) but it's been close.  I don't want to eat anything, but I feel worse when I haven't eaten, so I keep trying to force myself. But then I feel sick from eating. It's a lose-lose situation. Which I am gladly accepting, don't get me wrong.  But it is making me worried about Australia a bit. Flying for 14+ hours with morning sickness? Or rather, all-day sickness? Um, no thanks. I've tried Sea Bands, which seem to take the edge off but don't fix the problem, and I drank a bunch of ginger ale today, which didn't do anything.  I'm going to try to run out to one of the pregnancy boutiques tomorrow and see if they have those Preggie Pops, which I want to boycott because of the name (equally on my shit list: preggers and prego) but which I'm hoping will do SOMETHING to ease the queasiness.

Subterfuge:

Tried to fake drinking wine at Thanksgiving Leftover day at the mother-in-laws. I was doing pretty good taking fake sips until everyone else was on their second glass and mine hadn't changed. So I started pouring it into my iced tea drink in my laps. That worked perfectly for a bit until the color changed so much you could tell it wasn't iced tea anymore. So I decided to set the iced tea cup on the floor next to my chair. The next time I subtly tried to reach down and pour some wine into the cup, it was loud and sounded like...well, sounded like liquid being poured into liquid. My mother-in-law immediately looked under the table and said, "What are you doing?? Are you spilling your wine on the floor??" I tried to show the iced tea and swirl it around so the ice made clinky noises and said, "No, it's just my iced tea!" but I'm 99.9% sure she didn't buy it. I need to do some damage control. Also, Chris was mad I wasted the wine, but she 100% sure would have figured it out if I hadn't had any, so I needed to at least try.

Other:

Wednesday is my first appointment. EEEEK. Also, 8 weeks today!

Holiday run, take one: check!

We survived the first big holiday of this pregnancy. Thanksgiving is done and over, with just one minor puking incident involving deviled eggs. Sorry if you love deviled eggs; I do. But I don't know that I can ever eat them again. Hint: When you're queasy and haven't had much to eat all day, don't eat three deviled eggs.

Other than that and a few instances of queasiness, all is going well. So far. Our first appointment is Wednesday and I'm hoping that we discover a gummy bear-shaped tiny person swimming around somewhere inside me.  We'll also be asking the doctor about a trip to Australia next week. Chris has to go for two weeks for work, and I'd love to go with him.  No amount of Googling has shown me that there is any risk of flying in the first trimester, and, as we all know, if Google doesn't have it, it doesn't exist. Therefore it must be safe. However, it's still a scary concept. But it's AUSTRALIA. A place to which I've never been, and to which Chris has already gone.  A place with kangaroos and koalas and I think everyone is upside down and the men all have hot accents. And it would not be even a little bit fair if Chris was able to go for a SECOND time before I even got to go once! And if we have a kid at the end of this whole thing, who knows when I'd be able to go again?  I asked Dr. Haney, the doctor who did my TAC, and he said I should absolutely go and there's no danger at all.  It won't make me miscarry if I wasn't going to anyway.  But I still want to make sure that my new doctor here in town approves as well. If she's even the slightest bit hesitant, I won't go. And I'll scheme of some way to keep Chris here.  It's only fair.

Seven Weeks

Welcome to week seven, where baby has (hopefully) progressed to a blueberry and where mom is (kind of) starting to calm down and get excited.  Today, anyway.  Chris and I are talking about when and where to tell our families and I think we've come up with a plan for Christmas.  It was - and still is - a big internal debate whether to tell at Christmas when I'll be two days short of 12 weeks or to wait until after the NT scan, which is scheduled for the 30th.  Initially we were going to tell at Christmas, but when the NT scan was scheduled just five days later, we thought maybe we should just wait our baby had a clean bill of health.  However, right this very moment (as it might change) we're leaning towards telling at Christmas. For one, all the family will be together. Also, if something did go wrong and we needed to deliver, I'd possibly have to have a classical c-section by that time so it'd be kind of a big deal, and the news would spread through the family quickly.  If we waited, there'd be no way to get the entire family together until Easter without arousing suspicion. And if you remember from last time, they're a suspicious bunch. I want to take them completely off guard this time.  And honestly...last time the NT scan came back 100% perfect and we still lost the baby. So a clean bill of health doesn't guarantee anything, obviously.

Yesterday was my sister's birthday slash engagement party, so I carried a glass of wine around with me the whole time and tried to take several conspicuous fake sips.  My mom said my dad is starting to suspect and I think at least one of my aunts is as well. Hopefully faking drinking yesterday and during Thanksgiving will lead them astray until we're ready to share. That makes me sound like an alcoholic, doesn't it? I'm not, I swear. But alcoholics probably say that too.  We're just big holiday wine drinkers! And I'm always first in line. Whoops. Back to the alcoholic statements. Which I'm not. Holiday wine-aholic, at the most.

Replacement?

I know that a common question asked of women who are pregnant after a loss is whether this makes the hurt from your loss lessen.

So far? No. And from what I've heard from women who are further along in their pregnancies than I am or who are parenting after a loss, it doesn't change.  Part of me actually hated having to relive finding out I'm pregnant.  And then being four weeks pregnant. And five weeks. And six weeks. And some part of me will hate every part of this pregnancy. Why? Because I shouldn't be experiencing it AGAIN. Not yet. I should be changing poopy diapers and nursing a newborn.  Caleb should be two and a half months old.  It doesn't make the fact that my friends had babies or are having babies soon any easier.  Because I should have been there first. It still hurts. It always will. It sucks and it's an unfair burden for them to carry, but they will always be reminders of what I don't have.

I am beyond excited about this baby, don't get me wrong. This baby will never replace Caleb, nor will he or she have to live up to the legacy of a baby who passed away. This is a different baby.  This is a baby who would have been here no matter what - they'll just be here a year or so earlier than we'd planned. And I hate that we have to meet them so much earlier.  I hate it.  It's not fair. I hate that life isn't fair. I hate that there's no way to go back and not have these thoughts and no way to go back to the naivety that I had before.

Six weeks and so long to go...

Hey, look! I have a sweet pea nestled deep in my belly somewhere...and it's not from yesterday's dinner. I was hoping for a baby, but I'll take a sweet pea.  Six weeks today. Thirty-four left!  And actually, since I'll have a C-section around 38 weeks, it's down to thirty-six.  Time is melting away!

NOT.

Going so slowly.  Can't wait for the holidays - hoping that once Thanksgiving week hits it will go so fast that I'll be in my second trimester before I know it.

1     2   3   4   5   6   7   8   9 10
11 12  13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40

Hmm. That did not help matters.

And an update.

I actually took today off work to rest and keep my feet up. The spotting hasn't returned, so I feel a modicum better, but who are we kidding? Not really.  I'm still freaking out. Actually, freaking out isn't even the right state of mind. In denial? Definitely. I'm acting like I'm pregnant - I'm taking my prenatals and I've cut down my stripper and cocaine benders to just twice a week (do you know the self control that takes??). But I don't feel like I'm pregnant. Or like I could be pregnant. Or like I will ever be pregnant.

I'm going online and following the week-by-week development, I'm talking to Chris about it, I'm grocery shopping with pregnancy in mind, but I'm not connecting to it yet.  I'm there mentally, but not emotionally. I don't feel it in my heart yet.

I don't remember if I felt like this last time, so I don't know if this is a normal almost-six-weeks-pregnant mindset or if this is just what happens when you're trying to protect your heart from another loss.  Since I burst into tears every time I feel pain or a twinge, I don't know that I'm doing too well at that, but it definitely doesn't feel real.

Aaaand I'm spotting.

5w2d. Last time it started around 6 weeks - well, when they said I should expect spotting because they could see blood around the cervix but it never happened. Real true spotting began at 8 weeks, and then continued off and on (more on than off towards the end) until he was born.

So now...now I am fifty steps back. I was trying to be so positive. I know mentally you can't jinx a pregnancy, but I'm still asking myself what I did. Was it scheduling the NT ultrasound? Was it feeling a little bit hopeful yesterday? Was it not ending my last couple posts with "Today I am pregnant and today I love my baby."? What did I do wrong here?

I think once you've had a loss, you should get a FREE FRICKING TICKET on the worry-free pregnancy train. Where do I go to get my refund??