Baby Squish : 26 Weeks

I really have no updates, yet I feel compelled to post. Why is this? Some sort of blogger compulsion? Do I need help? (Yes. But perhaps not for that. Want to name my baby? Or paint the room?)

Gosh, in both of these pics my booty looks so sad and low and droopy. Carys, I'm taking the funds for restorative plastic surgery out of your college fund.

Truly, though, everything has been going extraordinarily well (knock on wood). My symptoms continue to be mild heartburn occasionally, a runny nose (that's really a pregnancy symptom!), and a giant growing belly. And a belly button that appears to be a third eye in some outfits.  If it wasn't for the movement and the fat, I wouldn't feel pregnant in the slightest. LUCKY. ASS. MO. FO. Trust me, I realize it. This is also why I'm a dangerous pregnant person - I love it (well, post-cerclage pregnancy anyway). It's easy to love when it's such a breeze. Hence Chris being in danger of me trying to talk him into a whole baseball team worth of kids.

 Since 20 weeks I've had bi-weekly check ups to check cervical length and see how the cerclage is holding up, and the answer has been the same the last six weeks - beautifully.  I think I mentioned in my last post that the cysts are gone. Baby is measuring right on track, with an estimated weight today of 2lbs 2oz, which is 52nd percentile. Maybe she won't be a second nine pounder?

This week I hit the "less than 100 days" milestone. Next week is third trimester.  Then  before I know it it's going to be the end of October and the start of the fall/winter holidays and I'm pretty sure that time will be over before I can even blink, and I hope to god I can get everything done that's needed. Like, you know, figure out a name.

Baby Squish : It's a....

I personally could not be more thrilled. While I hope to have the experience of raising a boy one day (kid three? Chris? you on board?), I was really happy to hear that Squish is a girl. I have two sisters who I love dearly, and I think the bond that two sisters can have is unlike anything else. Plus, you know, I get to use all of Carys's cute clothes again - and I have the added bonus that this one is due in the exact opposite season so I ALSO get to get new clothes for her! Win win! I'm so excited to welcome our newest baby girl into the family in a few months, and to see our girls grow up together.

Baby Squish : 24 Weeks : Viability!

Yay! We've reached the magic reassuring date of 24 weeks (not magic, because it's really the very bare edge of viability and many 24 weekers still don't make it - but it's a chance!).

23 weeks

24 weeks

Everything is going well here. Kid is a-movin' and a-shakin' and I'm growing...a lot...so much. So very much.  The cysts in the brain appear to have pretty much resolved, as expected, but it's still a huge relief to know that the doctor was right (who woulda thought, right?).  Squish weighs about 1.5 lbs and is, of course, completely adorable.

Profile with arm over the head

A few people have asked about names (a few? It's like every question, after "Do you know what it is?"). I'm going to ignore the sex questions since we still haven't told our family and aren't sure if we're going to do so or if we're going keep it a surprise (just for something different).  Yes, everyone hates us right now.

So let's talk names instead.  I'm pretty sure at this point I had our list narrowed down to just a few for Carys, and this time....I am having absolutely NO luck. I have about two dozen on our list and for every single one I think the same thing: "It's okay. I like it. I can't really see it on OUR baby, but I like it." I swear I've looked at every name in the history of names and have well over a 100 on my 'considered but rejected' list and just nothing is jumping out at me. I don't do well under pressure, so I'm terrified that nothing will jump out at me in the next three and a half months and we'll go into the delivery room with the same 24 names and.....let's just say I panic at a restaurant when the waiter asks what I want if I'm not ready.  I was 99% sure Carys was going to be Carys at the point of delivery, but still was considering Eliana up until the very end and didn't officially sign off on it until day three. If I have two dozen to choose from????? It's not going to happen. I momentarily will fall in love with a name, but by the next day am completely disillusioned by it.  It doesn't help that my friends keep having babies with really fantastic names like Stella Elise, Lola June, and Miriam Joy.  I realize that I still have like 100 days left to come up with something, so there's plenty of time. Right? Only like three million possibilities to go through.

So right now, that's probably stressing me out the most.  Never mind that the baby's room is still not even started and is still completely full of unused furniture and Chris's leftover computer things and has a textured paint effect on it that two coats of primer didn't come close to covering and will have to be scraped or sanded off......okay, well, that's stressing me out a little bit. But not nearly as much as the whole name thing.  Feel free to share your favorite unused name!

A Bump Manifesto

I hear and see it over and over again:

"I'm huge! I feel enormous."

"I'm barely showing; is something wrong?"

"I love your bump, I wish mine looked like that."

"My bump is shaped so weird."

Here's the deal: As long as you're eating relatively healthy, your bump is fine. Your bump is normal. Your bump is perfect.*

Love your bump. Embrace your bump.

Those who show early wish they were smaller. Those who have flat stomachs well into their second trimester long for a cute little bump to show off. Most of us are just average, but because of the rampant comparisons, feel like we're too big or too little.

We all have different bodies, different uteruses (uterii?), different amounts of amniotic fluid, different stomach muscles, different babies, different genetics, different starting points. The way these factors are coming together during your pregnancy are what determine your bump shape and size, along with your current diet and, to some extent, your level of activity. Here's the thing: as long as you're putting forth some effort to eat healthy and putting forth even a minor effort to be active, there's nothing you can do about the other components. Your bump is your bump. It's not anyone else's bump. You should not compare it to the girl next door who is a foot taller or shorter than you and who weighs 50 pounds more or less than you do.  Her bump is hers alone. She probably wishes it were bigger/smaller/rounder/higher/lower, too. So stop comparing it to hers!

Some of us are Kate Middleton, athletic and slim throughout our pregnancy. Some of us are Kim Kardashian, curvy and voluptuous. Most of us are somewhere in the middle.

A few of us will gain all over, and you'll know that we're pregnant just by glimpsing an ankle alone. Our cheeks will expand right along with our bellies. Some of us will gain just in the belly, and truly look like we're smuggling a basketball in our shirt. Some of us will hardly show through the entire pregnancy, and people will be unsure whether they are pregnant even as they are walking into the delivery room ready to give birth.   Some will grow straight out and be able to balance a cup of water on their abdomen. Some will grow up and down and be sticking out from boobs to crotch.  Some will grow wide, and you'll be able to see their bump from behind. Some will have pointy bellies, some round bellies, some square bellies. Some won't show at all from the back. Some won't show at all from the front. Some will show from all angles.  Some will carry so high you wonder how they can breath; some will carry so low you wonder how the kid hasn't fallen out yet.

Some of us will gain the majority of weight in the first trimester, when scarfing down carbs and crackers are the only things that keep us from puking into our breakfast. Some of us won't gain a pound until close to the third trimester.

A few women will start showing the day before the pregnancy test turns positive. A few women will still have flat stomachs halfway or even two-thirds of the way through their nine months. Some will have strangers asking if they're due any day - at 4 months pregnant. A few people will go through their through pregnancy never having stepped foot in the maternity section of the store or having to even employ the hair tie trick.

Heck, Google "Pregnant Celebrities," where the images in this post came from, and look at the variety of baby bump and body shapes during pregnancies - and these are people who are in peak physical condition with trainers and nutritionists caring for them their entire pregnancy.

The bottom line is that you are not anyone else. You are not your mom, your best friend, or that internet stranger. Don't be jealous of her bump. Don't worry abut whether your bump is normal or whether it should be bigger or smaller or rounder or flatter. Appreciate your bump - it's growing your baby, and that is the ONLY thing that matters. Anything else is just superficial noise.

*Note: there are ALWAYS exceptions. Someone might be huge because they have a giant tumor growing in their abdomen; some might be tiny because they have low amniotic fluid levels. I'm not talking medical situations here. Those are unusual, unlikely, and rare scenarios. This manifesto is for the other 99% of pregnancies. 

Baby Squish : 20 Weeks : Halfway!

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Look at that - two lines down, two to go!  The next four weeks are crucial; after 24 weeks, should anything happen that makes Squish arrive early, chances are good that he or she would survive. Of course, Carys was born on the date of her scheduled c-section, so I have no reason to believe that with the cerclage this kiddo will do anything different. BIONIC CERVIX FTW. (knock on all the wood)

Other than that, all is going well over here in Occupied Uterus territory.  A bit of heartburn here, a bit of...well, nothing else, really. It's all Easy Pregnancy 101 up in here.  In YES LOVE news, Squish has been moving and kicking and hitting me (preparation for being two years old apparently, according to Carys). In DIE IN A FIRE news, I'm battling a horrific head cold that, in addition to rendering it impossible to breath, has settled in my eyes, which makes me look like I'm in a perpetual state of sobbing.  Because we're a family who loves each other and shares everything, Carys got it from me. Or I got it from her. Either way, we both are miserable. And Chris is REALLY loving the hacking coughing that keeps me up all night. And that night when Carys was at her worst and woke up sobbing and unable to breathe while laying down and just wanted to be held upright for three straight hours in the middle of the night and screamed bloody murder every time I tried to lay her down? That was TONS of fun. Neither of us are on edge from lack of sleep at all! It's been joyous! At least he gets wine to soften said edge. Hmphf.

But the pregnancy...that part's been easy peasy so far.

It still seems pretty surreal that I'm pregnant with our second child when I still find myself amazed that I have a first one. I will be walking down the hall from dropping Carys off at preschool and looking around for the Parenting Police who are no doubt coming to arrest me at any moment for playing mom to this kid that I surely stole from somewhere. I consistently feel like I'm one of the youngest moms there, when in reality I'm probably solidly in the middle, if not on the older end of things. But somehow in my mind I feel like a baby having a baby. Aren't I BARELY out of the teen mom statistics? Like I actually feel sometimes that people must be judging me for having a kid and being pregnant at such a very young age.  HOW AM I ALMOST 33??? Someone please hold me.

20 weeks in an outfit that, from the side, makes the bump look a bit bigger than it is, and also makes me look kind of squat, which is a feat since I'm 5'10". Maybe I'll throw some wedges on next time to balance the Bermuda SHORT effect. HA. Since it makes me look short? Bermuda SHORTS? GET IT?????

Carrots and Baby Squish

People keep asking me, "What does Carys think about the new baby?"

To which I give them a weird look and wonder if the two year olds they know are more perceptive than mine. She doesn't have a clue! She thinks nothing about the new baby! She thinks she wants some ice cream.

We have told her that there's a baby in my tummy, and if you ask what's in my tummy, she'll say, "Baby! It's growing!" She will ask to put lotion on the baby or tickle the baby or kiss the baby (AKA my stomach) but come on. She doesn't really KNOW that there's a baby in my tummy or at least understand what that concept means overall, even if in some abstract way she does actually think that there's a baby inside there. She also now thinks that there's a baby in her tummy and a baby in daddy's tummy (though we've told her it's just mommy's tummy).

I  tried to explain that mommy has a tiny baby in my tummy, and that the baby is going to grow and grow and grow until it gets bigger and then it will come out and it will live with us, and that the baby growing is why mommy's tummy is getting bigger. I read her a "Big Sister" book and we play baby with her dolls.

But really, let's be real. She's two. She's in for a rude awakening no matter how much we talk about it or try to prepare for it.

I expect Carys to both completely adore the new baby and completely loathe the new baby. I think she'll be jealous of the nursing (though it's been a while since she nursed, she definitely still recalls it and even asks sometimes), and that she'll probably try to push the baby off me so I can focus on her, and throw regular fits that I'm not paying as much attention to her (the likes of which I am not accustomed to since she's so easygoing at the moment).  On the other hand, I think Carys will be very possessive of the baby and want to do everything: hold the baby, feed the baby, change the baby, etc.
I think she'll try to give the baby her toys and will be very worried when the baby cries and try to soothe the baby.

Second-plus-time-moms are laughing at these predictions, I'm sure. They're probably all a complete given, par for the course, DUH LARA.

As far as plans for when the baby is actually with us...right now, the plan is for Carys to stay in the room she's in. It's her room, and having her keep it will hopefully help the transition. We have no plans to transition her to a toddler bed yet - she's perfectly content in her crib and shockingly hasn't tried to climb out. The baby will sleep in our room for the first six months or so in the Rock 'N Play if all goes as planned, so there's no hurry to get Carys out of the crib - that's another year of use she can get out of it before we have to start figuring out what we want to do.

The new baby - well, at least the new baby's THINGS if not the new baby - will officially go to the third bedroom, which is currently a storage room literally filled three feet high with clothes and unused furniture and computer parts. What will happen to all that shit? NO IDEA. Although I'm not opposed to just throwing it all away since it's been in there for ages and ages and most of it hasn't been needed in all that time.  It will probably take a year to sort through everything so I should probably get on that at some point while I'm still capable of lifting things without a blimp of a belly getting in the way. (UPDATE: I actually wrote this post a week ago and I got all my shit cleaned out of the room. Chris, you're up. Adios computer stuff!)

The third bedroom is currently painted a very dark grey, with some sort of textured paint that my mother-in-law chose for it (it was Chris's computer room for a long time, and she wanted to design it for him). I need to look into what we need to do to remove the paint, and if it ends up being too much of a pain, it might just stay gray and I'll work around that. Yellow and gray and orange and gray are both so trendy right now (maybe even heading downward) but they're both combos I like. Gray and peach? Gray and mint green, maybe?  I don't, however, like the idea of a black crib in a room with dark gray walls, so I'm not sure if I'd try to paint the crib or if I'd convert the crib to be a toddler bed for Carys and buy a new (new to us - probably used off Craigslist) white crib for the nursery.  With such dark walls, everything else would have to be very bright and light. If we are able to repaint completely, I'm thinking one yellow/white striped wall and the rest a light mint green. That might look better in my head than in reality; we'll see.

That's all hypothetical right now, though. The way things are looking right now, nothing will be ready for the new baby until around 2015. Which is a problem since the baby will be here this year.

Baby Squish : 18 Weeks

First things first.

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Sooo close to halfway. C'mon, next two weeks!  Also, I just noticed that I started at 1 - as if weeks one through four count for anything. Ha! Oh, well, makes me look further along visually. More to cross off. It's like making a to-do list and adding things that you've already finished just so you can cross them off. That's not just me, is it?

Obligatory three-pregnancy-comparison-pic (Caleb first, then Carys, then Squish on the bottom).  I was definitely smaller with Carys than with Caleb. This one....well, it seems to be growing outward more from boob to pelvis, rather than a slow slope downward and out, but about the same overall as Carys.  Can we talk about my ass? Specifically, current lack of one?  I used to have a decent butt, and it all but disappeared towards the end of my pregnancy with Carys and never came back.

Sadly, that will be my first and only three-pregnancy-comparison picture, as my water broke before I got to 19 weeks and I never took another belly picture with him.

Specifically, at 18 weeks and 5 days pregnant, my water broke with Caleb. He was born at 19 weeks, 3 days. So these next two weeks are completely nerve-wracking for me and I'll just be floating along in a cloud of anxiety until those milestones pass, I think.  I'd kind of like to ask the doctor if I could just come live in the OB office, hooked up to an ultrasound machine, for the next two weeks. Actually, make that til 24 weeks.  But the cerclage did its job with Carys, and I just have to trust that it will continue to do so with this kid. 

This has been my favorite week so far, because I can feel Squish moving - very lightly, and not often, but it's there. I never felt Caleb, and it wasn't until closer to 20 weeks that I felt Carys (though all three have been insanely active during ultrasounds).  I absolutely cannot wait until later, when I can feel it from the outside and see the shifts and rolls and bulges. 

I actually got started cleaning out the storage room, only to discover that our dog had at some point peed on the carpet. WONDERFUL. Don't you love those little disgusting surprises?  I got out all my stuff and all our shared stuff, and now all that's left is approximately five tons of Chris's old computer parts and cables and wires. Along with a few pieces of furniture that will immediately be Craigslisted, once I can free them from the clutches of a thousand feet of computer wires. 

I also hung a bunch of newborn size clothes (all gender-neutral - don't get too excited!) in the closet, hoping that seeing them there would make it more real.  It didn't really work.  I'm still in a weird world of denial. Not active denial - I want to be pregnant and I know I am! - but I still don't really FEEL pregnant and it still hasn't really sunk in yet.  Maybe when the kid is being pulled out of me it will finally feel real? Maybe when they had him or her to me? Maybe when I'm listening to two babies cry for me and I'm wondering what the hell I did it will feel real?

One last covered belly pic - which I love because I look TEEEENY, which I am not in any way.

Baby Squish : Scary News (That will be okay?)

Last Friday, I had my 16-week appointment (where, by the way, Squish did NOT cooperate to allow the sonographer to confirm the sex guess from the 12-week appointment!).  I always love seeing Squish and how he or she has grown since the last appointment, and I got wonderful confirmation that my trans-abdominal cerclage is holding the cervix nice and closed.

However, as she was scanning the baby and hit the lateral (I think?) view of the brain, I immediately noticed the large, dark spot.  It looked much like this (except only on one hemisphere of the brain):

(not my picture)

She spent a lot of time measuring it, and I spent the entire time debating on whether I should ask about it. I sometimes thought I saw a similar spot on the other side (I didn't; it's only on one side), which made me think maybe it was normal and I just didn't remember it from Carys, and didn't want to ask a stupid question about a normal part of the brain.  

After the ultrasound ended, the doctor came in to do the debriefing. He first assured me that the baby looked wonderful and that everything looked perfect, then commiserated that they couldn't confirm his sex guess, and finally told me not to freak out, but that they saw something on the ultrasound of which they wanted me to be aware. 

A cyst. A cyst on our baby's brain.

The second those words left his lips, I disconnected.  Inside, I was panicking and wanted to scream, but outside, I just kept smiling and nodding. He explained that it was a choroid plexus cyst, and that they occur in 1-3% of pregnancies.  He said that they can be markers of something worse - like Trisomy 13 or 18, which are often fatal.  However, he quickly reassured me that with a completely normal NT scan and completely normal blood test results, as well as zero other markers seen on the ultrasound, he has no reason to believe that there are any issues with the baby, and that the cyst should completely disappear by the time Squish is 24 weeks old.  He further explained that he sees these in about one in forty pregnancies, but probably only sees trisomy in one in a thousand pregnancies, so that the odds were highly in my favor, particularly because of the lack of any other conerns. 

So I'm trying to be confident and really have no reason not to be....

....but a cyst.

On my baby's brain. 

That is some scary shit! I just see that big black hole on the ultrasound and wonder whether the brain can possibly develop normally around it for the eight or so weeks it takes to develop and then go away - Dr. Google and Dr. Real Doctor said yes, it's absolutely possible and there aren't any long-term effects, but still. A CYST ON THE BRAIN. No matter how harmless the doctor hopes it is, that's still a terrifying thing to hear.

I keep thinking that this pregnancy has been SO easy that of course something had to be wrong, and then I keep thinking that this pregnancy has been so easy that a most-likely-to-disappear-cyst surely can't be the last of it. 

I'm just hoping the next seven weeks - until our 24 week appointment - absolutely FLY by so that I can go back and get the great news that the cyst is gone (fingers crossed/knock on wood/consult witch doctor). I asked if they'd be able to tell us anything at the 20 week ultrasound, and he said probably not - they cyst will (hopefully) appear smaller because the baby's head is bigger, but it usually takes until 24 weeks for it to resolve.

I know we have absolutely zero reason to worry and that chances are fantastic it will be totally fine and go away just like the doctor predicts, but there's always that little bit of doubt and worry in the back of your head - and I'm sure it will be there until they give us the all clear.  Fingers crossed so hard that we get an all clear.  I know people that have gotten much worse news and have had much worse diagnoses, so I completely recognize how lucky I am that the issue with our baby is comparatively small and likely self-resolving, but.....it's still something wrong with my baby. And no mother ever likes to hear anything other than "perfect."

Belly Pic Comparison

4th of July 2011, 39 weeks with Carys. 4th of July 2013, 17 weeks with #2.

(Ok, 16.5 weeks if we are being technical.)

Baby Squish : 16 Weeks

Every single time I've been pregnant, 15 weeks has felt like a big milestone. It's not any of the obvious ones, like 2nd trimester, or the halfway point, or viability, or 35/35....but for some reason, to me, 15 weeks feels solidly pregnant. 14 weeks is still barely pregnant. 14 weeks hardly counts. But 15 weeks is legit.   

I forgot I did this countdown with Carys, and I'm a visual person, so I love seeing the weeks get crossed off.  Look at that - four more weeks and I'm in the third line (and halfway done, holy crap!).

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Apparently I'm still stuck on the 15 week thing (even though Lil Squish is all, "HEY. MOM. Get over it already, I'm 16 weeks old already. 15 week fetuses are SO IMMATURE. Do they even have fingerprints yet?.") because here's my 15 week belly picture. 

Dude. How awkward is that cup? WTF.  And how pasty are my fricking legs? Dear lord. Gross. Get the girl some sun, STAT. (Note: the color discrepancy between my face and legs is not that noticible in real life....I don't think. I hope.) And my work bathroom is the only place where I have access to a full-length mirror, so blah blah blah, yes, I'm the weirdo taking selfies in the bathroom, blah blah blah.

I'm not at the "OMG I LOVE MY BIG FAT PREGNANT BELLY" point yet (explained here), because I don't have a big fat pregnant belly yet, but there's definitely a bump there. And I think that bump is about the size of my 18 or 20 week bump last time. Damn three-time-stretched uterus and stomach muscles (or lack thereof, I should say). 

I cannot wait to start feeling Squish moving, because I'm hoping that will make this feel real. I hear the heartbeat with the doppler, I've got the mini-bump going on, I've seen the kid on ultrasound four times now.....and I STILL am having a hard time believing I'm knocked the fuck up.  

Baby Squish : 14 Weeks

So far, this pregnancy has been entirely uneventful, which I absolutely adore, of course (knock on wood). (Knock on ALL THE WOOD.)

It's also kind of a mind-fuck how completely different yet completely the same it is as my previous pregnancies.

Symptom-wise, all three of my pregnancies have been pretty similar, though I only actually threw up with Carys. This one has probably been the easiest in terms of how I'm feeling, though mid-way through the first trimester I was exhausted like I've never felt before. That's started to let up, however, and I'm feeling pretty much exactly like I do when I'm not pregnant (except for, and can I actually write this out for public consumption? It needs to be said. Except for the gas. Oh, god. TMI times a million, I'm sorry, but if you're ever thinking about getting pregnant you really should be warned).

The big difference comes from awareness. I feel like with Carys, I was constantly aware of being pregnant, and was very "present" with the pregnancy. This time, while I certainly know I'm pregnant, I remember I'm pregnant, I feel pregnant (when I can't button my jeans), but it's in a much more abstract, vague way. I thought it'd be the other way around - since I'd been through it once before, this time around would feel very concrete and solid and familiar. And it IS familiar, don't get me wrong, but it's also this gossamer, vague idea that is almost inexplicable.

It's like I KNOW, but somehow it's not the first thing that pops into my head as an answer.

Why don't my pants fit? Oh, I probably had too much ice cream yesterday. (Ok, well, that's probably true in addition to being pregnant.)

Why am I so tired? I must not have gotten a good night's sleep last night.

Why do I have heartburn? I must have eaten something wrong.

Why are my boobs sore? Shoot, I probably had my bra on too tight.

Instead of, you know, OH DUH I'M PREGNANT.

I think last time I spent all my spare time researching  baby things and baby gear and baby information and what a c-section was like and how to make a baby sleep and how to take care of a baby and info about breastfeeding and info about cloth diapers and information about everything ever written about babies in the history of the world that I never had a chance to forget I was pregnant. This time, I don't need to buy anything new (except clothes if this one is a boy, but if it's a girl, we're set), I don't need to know the difference between a prefold and a pocket diaper, I don't need to research which swing is the best or learn how to swaddle. I know all that. And since I'd never had a baby before, my mind was full of imagining what it would be like to have a baby around and specifically wondering what it would be like to have MY baby around.

Not to mention the whole raising a toddler thing - that kind of tends to keep one busy as well. Just a bit.

This time, I take a few minutes here and there to imagine having two babies in the house, of course, and I picture Carys playing with her little sibling, and I picture me having to pry her off of the baby as she attempts to strangle it hug it tightly around the neck, but it's not a constant daydream like I used to have.

Strangely, even the things that worry me haven't been forefront in my mind. Things like where on earth we will PUT things for the new baby since I feel crowded already, and things like whether I'll ever have time or energy to clean out our spare bedroom AKA The Storage Room of Doom, and things like whether I'll be able to handle two. Those thoughts briefly cross my mind, but quickly float away. Maybe it's self-preservation?  Whatever it is, it's keeping me calm in a time where wine isn't an option, so I'll just happily accept it and continue to ignore those things and then completely panic when the baby actually gets here. That seems reasonable and healthy.

Time Warp

Does anyone else have the feeling that their entire pregnancy occurred in a Twilight Zone? And sadly the 21-and-under-crowd probably thinks of vampires and not Alfred Hitchcock when I say that, but rest assured I'm thinking more of the portly gentleman than the sparkling ones.*

I took my bike into the bike shop to get a tune up, and the owner asked when the last time I'd ridden it was.

"Um, not too long. I rode all the time last summer."

Pause.

"Oh, wait. No, that's not right. I was pregnant all last summer.** So it would have been the summer before that."

I had literally completely forgotten that the summer of last year I was pregnant.  In my mind, the summer BEFORE that was last summer. And that happens all the time - someone will ask how long ago something occurred, and my answer will be X minus nine months. I mean, I remember being pregnant. But it's like it happened in a parallel universe.

It's very strange.

*Apparently Twilight Zone and Alfred Hitchcock Presents are two different shows that I've mind-melded into one.

**My mom wouldn't let me ride (adorably protective) and also it was 100 degrees at 8am pretty much every day of the summer so suck it.

From Positive to Baby

I haven't looked at these for four months. Ready for insanity? I miss that belly. I want to be pregnant again! (No, this isn't a pregnancy announcement...I'm not THAT crazy.)



Some of these have little reminders of what was going on in our lives that week.

1st row, 1st pic - 6 weeks pregnant, first belly pic!
1st row, 4th pic - We got our Pack N Play 50% off at Target! 1st baby purchase!
1st row, 5th pic - The first cloth diaper we purchased. This was around 16 weeks, I think.
2nd row, 3rd pic - Picking paint colors for her room.
3rd row, 1st pic - Painted!
4th row, 1st pic - Curtains up in her closet, and got a stroller!
4th row, 3rd pic - Baby shower invites went out!
4th row, 4th pic - First baby shower gift sent to our house! The line on the wall is masking tape where I taped off the size of the crib.
4th row, 5th pic - The crib is in the room! (But note it is not put together...ahem, Chris.)
5th row, 1st pic - Friend baby shower, around 34 weeks
5th row, 2nd pic - Family baby shower, around 36 weeks
5th row, last pic - BABY!

Pregnancy: A Round Up

Pregnancy is such an interesting phenomenon in terms of, well, everything. I mean, you literally grow a person from two cells. Which is a total and complete mindfuck. But I'm referring specifically to how it's such different experience from person to person. Some people hate it and are so sick and have terrible symptoms; some love it and have 19 kids and counting; most are probably in some gray area in between.

I was one of the lucky ones who loved the vast majority of my pregnancy. Not enough to want to do it 18 more times, but certainly a few more. It's been suggested that maybe it's because of my loss history, and I'm certain that plays a role. But luck also has a lot to do with it, and I was very lucky in terms of symptoms and health. The last few days before she was born were pretty miserable, but it was hot and I was huge and sore. The fact that I only suffered a small percentage of the 40 weeks, though, shows how very lucky I was.

I wrote this list while I was still pregnant, so some of it is present-tense even though I'm no longer pregnant.

WHAT I WILL NOT MISS ABOUT BEING PREGNANT
1. Painful vagina
I can't even explain the pain I get every night in the lady bits. I'm not sure why it's worst at night for me, but there have been times it's woken me up and kept me awake for hours. We fondly refer to it as "combat boot vagina syndrome", where it feels like someone kicked you with steel-toed combat boots.
Update: It's a miracle; I don't even remember what it felt like anymore! This is EXACTLY how people get pregnant again so soon - selective memory. It's been replaced by boob and nipple pain. Someday maybe I'll write about that.

2. Butts in ribs
This is better since she dropped, but there were a couple weeks there when she liked to press her butt right up into my ribs and cause excruciating pain and difficulty breathing. Luckily that wasn't all the time, but when it happened, OW.

3. NO BOOZE
I'm not an alcoholic by any means, but damn I can't wait to have a glass of Moscato di Asti. One will be waiting for me in my hospital room, perfectly chilled. And if he forgets, Chris will be facing certain divorce.
Update: Strangely, I had a few sips of celebratory wine, but it doesn't even sound good right now.

4. Stretch marks
I guess I can't miss these since they're there forever. I hesitate to even put this on the list because I got off so lucky with the whole ripped up skin thing, having only Judy + Co., but no one likes them. Badge of honor, my ass.
Update: Again: luck. My stomach is squishy, but size-wise it's almost back to where it was before, and the stretch marks barely show.

5. Speaking of ass, CELLULITE.
Jesus fucking christ, the cellulite is out of control.
Update: This actually cleared up a bit. Hopefully when I'm cleared to work out it will go away more...or else I'll have to table my dream of being a celebrity permanently because I'd always be featured in the "worst beach bodies" section of tabloids.

6. Swollen feet
Another thing I've been very lucky on, but the occasional times my feet have swelled up aren't fun. Foot flesh spilling over sandal straps? Very sexy, I'm assured.
Update: Gone! I never swelled up after surgery either, which is very common due to the IV fluids you receive.

7. Maternity clothes
I've been pretty lucky that I've been able to mostly keep a non-maternity wardrobe (yes, even with the belly as giant as it is). Long tank tops have been a staple, as have drawstring pants (thank god it's the summer and there are a ton of shorts and capris and lightweight khakis that tie instead of button!). I do have a few maternity things here and there and I pretty much unequivocally HATE them. The over-the-belly panel pants? Can die a thousand fiery [sidenote: why is this spelled fiery instead of firey??] deaths. Hate hate hate. I only have two pairs of them but I weep openly when I have to wear them. Ok, that's not true. But it could be.

8. Being forced to sit obscenely
Currently, she's so low that I literally cannot sit normally. My entire belly presses down on my thighs if I try. So spread-legged like a 13-year-old teenage boy it is. Before, whenever I sat, she pressed up into my ribs (see #2) and restricted my breathing.
Update: Gone instantly the second she was born. AWESOME.

9. Glowing skin...NOT
Speaking of 13 year-old-teen boys, since the moment the pee dried on the stick I've been broken out. And it's not thanks to the old wives's tale that girls steal your beauty, because it happened with Caleb too. I'm just forever destined to have pizza face when I'm pregnant, I guess.
Update: Still gross. Boo.

10. Bad jokes.
"Hey, did you know you're pregnant?" "Do you think you might be knocked up?" "I hate to break it to you, but you've been putting on a couple pounds lately." "You sure it's not twins in there?" HAHAHA OMG I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE AND CERTAINLY NOT DAILY FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS YOU'RE SO FUNNY HAHAHAHAHA.

11. The waiting
Nine - no, ten! - months is a LONG FREAKING TIME. We were pregnant BEFORE Christmas, which was like two years ago. I mean, I realize that I'm creating a new human from scratch and all that, but does it really have to take this long???????? And also, once you get to this end point the waiting game is even worse because it could literally happen AT ANY MINUTE. Not to mention the million "Haven't you had that baby yet?" questions you get on a daily basis. "Um, let me check." [Looks down at giant belly.] "Nope, doesn't appear so. But thanks for asking and reminding me that I am huge and look uncomfortable!"
Update: The exact opposite phenomenon happens once the baby is born. A month is POOF gone in literally the blink of an eye. I have never ever ever experienced time flying like this. It feels like she's been here a week, maybe. No way has it been four weeks! [Okay, actually there really IS no way it's been four weeks since it's only been three and a half.]

12. The belly
This should be capitalized. The Belly. THE BELLY. Not being able to bend over, roll over, lay on your stomach, sit, shave, tie shoes, put on underwear, or anything that involves, um, ANYTHING like a normal person gets old quickly.
Update: I miss the belly. Sob.

Predictably enough, they're almost all third tri complaints - and for me, they are mostly late third tri complaints, so for anyone reading this contemplating pregnancy: DO IT. DO IT DO IT DO IT. Now that I am having/have a baby, I want everyone to join me in the cult. So we can commiserate celebrate together!

WHAT I WILL MISS ABOUT BEING PREGNANT
1. The belly
I know, I know. I just said I wouldn't miss it. And granted there are certain things that I won't miss. But I think I'll miss it more than I won't. I love this giant basketball that makes the rest of me look balanced. I love not having to suck in or worry about that lovely Buddah roll I usually have. Plus, it gives me lots of...
Update: Correct prediction. I do miss it!

2. Attention!
OMG, people love a pregnant woman. I love the attention. I love people asking me about it, when I'm due, if it's a boy or a girl, if we have names, if they can feel it, holding doors, letting me skip ahead in line, making me rest. I love them rubbing my belly and talking to her like she can hear and the pure excitement that everyone seems to exude when around an expectant mother. I know that will all go away once the baby is born and instead of worshipping me and my baby-making vessel they'll just be wishing that the crying baby would shut the hell up. People are all Republicans when it comes to babies...they care about it when it's baking, but once it's outside you're on your own.
Update: Correct prediction 2. More attention from family, but not nearly as much from strangers. This may be a plus for most people who aren't attention whores.

3. Baby movement
I think I'll miss this the most. I love it. LOVE it. I could lie in bed all day just waiting for her to make her move.
Update: Oh, my gosh, do I miss feeling her move. Is that weird? Sometimes when she's wrapped up tightly in a swaddle blanket she'll make a movement with her hands or feet that I recognize so strongly it makes my heart flutter. I had phantom movements for a week or so after delivery (very common) and would get excited to feel her little hands or feet, only to remember that I could ACTUALLY for REAL feel her hands and feet right next to me in bed. Even so, it's still bittersweet.

4. Nesting
I have a feeling that once she's born I'll have no time to clean. I'll miss the motivation that nesting gives. I'll miss the clean house.
Update: Correct prediction.

5. Constant company
I love the feeling that she's always with me and I'm never alone. It's like my own little sidekick; my little confidant. I talk to her, poke her, read to her...when I have to leave the actual real baby alone in the actual real world I think I'll be lonely.
Update: Hmm. I think this is true. I haven't had enough alone time to tell though.

6. Presents
Ok, I know this is superficial, but seriously. Who out there doesn't like getting presents? And people like buying cute baby things and giving them to you! It's awesome! And since she's not here yet I get to open them all!!! It's like they are all for me!
Update: Um, actually you get a lot of presents when they are born too. And you still get to open them. SCORE.

7. The body
I overall loved my pregnant body. So cheesy, but I really did feel lush and womanly and...ripe? Like a banana. I will miss feeling like a banana.

8. Feeding the baby with no problem
I'm adding this one after the fact. I wish she was still connected and feeding via umbilical cord, because breastfeeding has been a hellish journey for us thus far that shows no signs of improving yet. But that's just me...I'm sure it's beautiful for most people.

Looking at the tally, it seems like there's a lot more I won't miss about pregnancy than I will, but in reflection...I really miss it. I adore Carys and I love looking at her and playing with her, but I also loved being pregnant with her. It's a good thing I want to do this four three two more times.

The Belly: Week 27

Okay, technically 26 weeks 4 days.  I'm like a little kid anticipating their next birthday: once mid-week passes, I mentally move on to the next week, so when I actually DO hit 27 weeks it will be a bit of a letdown.

Third trimester in either three or ten days, you choose. Pregnancy is dumb and doctors are dumb and apparently no one has agreed on an "official" start gestation for the three trimesters, except they're all pretty sure you're pregnant two weeks before you're actually pregnant. Other than that, you're in your second trimester at 12 weeks...or 13w3d...or 14 weeks. It depends on how you calculate the trimesters, and every book, iPhone app, doctor, and website uses a different method (quick lesson: here).  So at either 27 weeks or 28 weeks I'll be starting third tri.

In terms of how I'm feeling right now as I wind up the second third of the pregnancy...so far so good! Still no stretch marks, no swelling, no super uncomfortableness. The belly is starting to get in the way of bending over and shaving my legs.  Every once in a while I have some pain around the ribs as those suckers bend to the will of the uterus.  And occasionally I get combat boot vag syndrome, which is when it feels like someone kicked you in the vagina with a steel-toed boot.  Neither of those are constant or that bothersome, though. I'm trying to enjoy this period of relative comfort before the child takes up a full third of my body.  Even though the kid is enormous (remember that 76th percentile number?) my fundal height is still on track for 26 weeks, so at least my belly isn't enormous to match. Although it is quite large, and I'm sure any day now I'm going to get the oh-so-helpful comments of "When are you due? JULY? OMG, I thought you were going to say like a week! Are you sure it's not triplets??"

In the following picture, please note the poor toilet paper roll, who hasn't had an official home since I accidentally threw away the rod part of the holder a year ago. You'd think one might try to get that replaced at some point, but hells no. I like never knowing exactly where the toilet paper is going to be, especially in the middle of the night when I don't want to turn on a light while I pee to prevent myself from fully waking up. Feeling around the floor and counter and bathtub in case it got knocked in is fun! An adventure every night!

Also, Chris thinks under-boob belts are dumb and look like dog leashes.

He may have a point.

But it's the only thing that keeps my boobs from melting into my stomach in some shirts, so in this case leash > looking fat. TER. Looking fatter.

Then I remembered that our bathroom always has weird lighting and you can't white balance on a phone so I took these at work later. But I left the above picture so you could all "enjoy" my "hilarious" toilet paper story.

I was going to crop this one but thanks to perspective I look smaller than the sink, which makes me feel not giant, so I left it. 

Really all these pictures are because I made an actual effort to look cute today and I want this fact documented.  SEE, NOT A SLOB*.

*(all the time.)

The Belly: An Update

Still huge. But still in regular jeans! Yay for low-riding stretch. Still no stretch marks. But just waiting...it's gonna happen. I thought I got one yesterday, but it was just a scratch from being giant and clumsy and running into things.

Not quite looking pregnant from the front yet (ok, the bad lighting helps here, but even in good lighting it's not super apparent) (unless I just had a big dinner).

But then you turn to the side and BAM. Whoop, there it is, belly button ready to poke your eye out.

TheBelly© looks a lot better in clothes than it does not in clothes. It's kind of weird shaped naked.  Actually it's entirely possible that most of the weird shape could be from eating an entire box of Trader Joe's knockoff version of Oreos. A FauxReo belly, if you will.

Naked weirdness.

Looking better...

And boom, clothes fully on and it's okay again.

Baby girl is modest and only likes to be photographed when her mom isn't looking like a hillbilly from some non-specific hillbilly state [don't want to take the chance of offending any of my three readers] with her giant belly hanging out for the world to see.

Keep up that modesty, little one. It will make the chastity belt that much easier to take.

24 Week Appointment

No pictures! The entire appointment was kind of a mess, honestly. It was my first one that wasn't in the morning, and I am all about the morning appointments from now on.  The waiting room was the busiest I've ever seen. My mom went with me, and we had to wait almost 20 minutes to get back (which is about 18 minutes longer than I've ever had to wait before).  Then we sat in the exam room and waited...and waited...and waited. My mom checked the clock and realized that we'd been there almost 40 minutes without being seen - and she had to leave to get to school in five. I peeked out (with the lovely tablecloth pulled tightly around my hips since I was naked from the waist down) and asked if someone could come back just to give us a peek at baby girl before my mom had to leave. I'd feel terrible if she drove 150 blocks (literally) to sit with me in an exam room. Good thing I did, because they were shocked no one had come in yet. Apparently there's a light that they flip on indicating that the patient is ready, but the nurse forgot to flip it, so no one knew we were in there waiting. I wonder how long we would have been there before they realized that they forgot about us. Whoops!

So the tech came in and felt terrible, and because of that she rushed the ultrasound to make sure my mom could see the whole thing. Baby girl is looking good at an estimated 1lb 13 oz and in the 76th percentile for size. Um, giant baby. Once again, yay for my vagina and not having to push out a 10 pound baby, which she's shaping up to be! (Note: this is just to make me feel better about not being able to have my natural birth.)

I talked to the doctor a bit about the c-section process at the hospital. I have this grand vision for a family-centered cesarean (tons of info out there, read this or Google "gentle cesarean" or "family centered cesarean).  I am already pussing out about asking her, though. I have such a fear of judgment from doctors, which I know is crazy, plus I hate being told no.  I started to kind of fish around to see what she'd think of something like that (read: "So I've been reading about different types of c-sections and was wondering what you thought...").  She immediately looked kind of suspicious and so I backtracked a little and ended up just asking about what type of sutures they use and what type of closure (one thing I had read was that a double layer closure holds up better, and I'm happy to hear she prefers those).  I did ask about having the drape lowered so I could see more, and she was down with that, though she warned there might not be much to see. That's okay, though, I just want to see *something* other than a blue wall.

I was, however, disappointed to learn that only one person can be there with you. I was really hoping to have my mom and Chris there together. They offer support in such different ways and each of them compliments each other perfectly when it comes to things like this.  She did mention that sometimes they take the baby to the recovery room to wait for you, and I asked if it'd be possible to have my mom come into the operating room at that point so Chris could leave to stay with the baby. She wasn't sure but was checking on it. I just don't want me OR the baby left alone at any time. The obvious answer would be to just leave the baby in the operating room with us until I was ready to go to recovery, but I'm not sure how that works. They do definitely let the baby come into the recovery room with you, though, assuming all is well - that's nice.  However, more research and more fully formed questions about the options and the whole procedure are needed. And maybe in a few years with our next kid (knock on wood!) the family-centered surgery will be more common and it won't be something I feel like a dirty hippie for asking about. Maybe I'll just print out a few articles and slip them anonymously under her door. Maybe I'll try to find a wood sprite to perform the surgery in a field. Wood sprites are down with shit like that, I'm pretty sure. They're all dirty hippies.

Confession

I'll celebrate reaching 24 weeks with a confession.

I love word/noun names. Story, Ever, Lyric, Fable....I would never have the balls to use them, but I love them. Especially Story.

Don't judge me!

The Belly: St. Patrick's Day.

So very close to 24 weeks. I know 24 weeks isn't a magic number - babies before that live, sometimes, and babies born after that die, sometimes. But it's a start.

The Belly: Stretching Out

I am frankly shocked my stomach isn't completely riddled with strech marks. When I wake up, it's fine, but by the end of the day it feels so full and stretched out...particularly after eating or drinking...and so itchy that I feel like my uterus is going to pop right through my skin. I know it's all genetics, but I have no idea whether my mom had them or not. I don't THINK so, but I can't remember ever seeing her stomach, so I might be wrong - she might be rocking tiger stripes all over the place (WINNING!) (that isn't going to make sense to anyone in a year if someone comes back and reads this, including to me. Note to future self: Charlie Sheen meltdown reference.). Despite the fact that I know it does nothing, I've been slathering The Belly in creams and oils, which at least relieves the itching. I realize I'm just 23 weeks, at which point plenty of people aren't even showing yet, and I still have to fit a watermelon in there, but I can't even fathom at this point getting bigger. I mean, I can SIZE wise - I can totally picture a huge belly - but not in terms of the stretching/fitting/itching. I also am not counting my blessings yet - I know you can go your entire pregnancy with zero stretch marks and then poof! the Stretch Mark Fairy shows up at week 39 and you're screwed. And honestly, if that happens, whatever. At least they're something to remember my pregnancy by, which is more than I have for my last one. So I'll cherish them. NOT THAT I'M INVITING YOU IN, STRETCY MCSTRETCHERSON...I'm just saying I won't take out a bounty on your head should you arrive.